Turnip a profit

Sooo I've barely lost anything this month. 

In fact I'd go as far as saying I've marginally gained - I was 148.8 this morning but I've bounced between 148 and 150 all throughout this month. I think it's because I've probably eaten slightly over my calories for the most part, I haven't gorged too much but I have definitely eaten over. I've found it too difficult to go down, so I've sort of resolved to accept that I'm going to maintain this much and then hopefully will be able to get back into the swing of things in October. As long as I'm not gaining, it's a win. 

I've done a fair few things this month - we went to Durham last weekend for the first time in around 2 years! It was honestly lovely to go back, I've really missed that little city. We met up with my lovely friend Jess, her partner and her adorable little one who I hadn't seen since 2019 so I brought her a little stuffed penguin toy that she kept with her for the whole evening. She's such a sweet little one, I hope my future children are as sweet as her lmao. 

Here's a quick photo dump in no particular order:

The beautiful innards of Durham Cathedral

Pretty umbrellas!

Saddler Street

Photogenic Rich waxing lyrically over the Harry Potter filming location....

Busy as heck.

This is where Harry Potter was filmed! 

Beautiful Vanilla Chai.

Peaceful prayer spot.

Incredible eggs!

The boy.

More of Durham Cathedral's innards

Artsy photo.

Framwellgate Bridge (my old Starbucks was just to the right of this!)

Beautiful nighttime.

Ain't we cute.

And here's a late night shot of the outfit I painstakingly picked out for the Saturday. I was actually a big fan - I didn't have to wear a bra! 

We had the most INCREDIBLE eggs benedict (or florentine if you're me because no meat, see picture of the glorious eggy goodness above). They were at a little cafe called Flat White that I used to go to when I lived there, they're a three storey high little terraced coffee shop on Saddler Street in Durham centre and they do the most glorious food. And their vanilla chai lattes are to die for! We actually went back on Sunday morning for brunch and the queue (yeah, we had to queue on Saturday too) was even worse but oh my god was it worth the wait. This weekend we're going to Manchester, but just for the day, because Rich is going to get a tattoo on his arm and his tattooist works in Manchester. We're obviously going to get the glorious grilled cheese and strawberry lemonade again. I really wish Sheffield had nice coffee/food-y places, but obviously I live in a rubbish place now don't I so fuck me, right. 

Meh. Things have gone even more mental here politically so I've been trying to keep myself educated by watching a shitton of youtube videos/reading a load of stuff about it on Reddit so that I can stay informed since we want to buy a house in the near future. They've announced a tax cut so that those who earn over 150,000 will no longer have to pay 45% income tax and will now pay 40%. Isn't that disgusting? This means that even if they get paid a bajillionty gazillion pounds annunally they will now pay 40% instead of 45%, so they get to take EVEN MORE money home, but those who earn 50,200something still have to pay 40%. Obviously I am nowhere NEAR that but it's the principle, man. This sucks. Mortgages have also gone up, inflation is going up and they're basically pissing all over the poor. Fun times! Allegedly, Liz Truss has been receiving votes of no confidence within the party sooooo let's see if she gets turfed out. If she does I have absolutely zero clue what that will mean, but everything has been fucking bonkers these past few years, so why not make it even more bonkers?! 

Anyway. Even though I haven't been sticking to my diet plan too much this month, I've been trying to at least make a bit of effort with myself. I've been watching a lot of youtube videos for alternative clothing hauls (I know, I know, consumerism, but bleh) and am SLOWLY slowly trying to coax myself into making a bit more effort with my appearance. Today doesn't count though, because I had a bath this morning and obviously all my time was lost in the bath and  I had to rush around like a twat before sitting down to work so I didn't even get chance to straighten my fringe. Fat chance of that happening now, because why bother? It's almost 3pm, it will be pyjama time soon yo. I've been playing a fair bit of Animal Crossing lately and omg that game is adorable. I can't even remember if I've mentioned this before but we got a Switch and I've been absolutely hammering Animal Crossing in my spare time. They have this thing where you buy turnips and sell them at (hopefully) a better price than you bought them, but the prices fluctuate daily over the week and you can't sell turnips on Sundays only buy them, so if you forget to sell them one week you'll end up with a whole load of worthless mush. Anyway. I'm in the turnip trade now, and today's prices have been wank so hopefully they'll go up tomorrow. 

Here's my favourite Animal Crossing character, Rex:

He's LITERALLY the cutest character and no one can tell me otherwise. Look at his face. Look at it! 

Oh, also, Lush have released their Christmas collection (even though it's not even October yet, come on guys) and obviously that meant I had to go to Lush on the exact day it dropped to stock up on Snow Fairy. I LOVE Snow Fairy so much, and I got a little mini haul:

I'm so happy it's back because I'm such a sucker for it. I also got a bubble bar (not pictured) that I've been using in my bath lately and it's just gorgeous. Beautiful vanilla-y marshmallow-y candy floss dreams. I'll absolutely have to stock up on more before the season is over so that it will get me through the next year before it comes out again next Christmas. The idea of next Christmas makes my little bones shake just a little but it's okay, we'll ignore that. I think I'll have to raid Lush Manchester this weekend and pick up a few more things. Thank GOD for Rich's first paypacket arriving in a couple of days! Although I've been selling a few things on Depop, I sold my old black coat for £79 (after fees were deducted from the original list price of £90) and I'm thinking of putting some more things up for sale. Every little extra bit of money will help me get through and probably go towards funding my insatiable Snow Fairy addiction.

Anyway, back to today. We have Mac and cheese burgers for dinner tonight with a boatload of chips and I'm hoping it won't do me in before I weigh myself tomorrow morning I allowed for it in my calories but then I ate too many of these delicious chocolate marshmallow bombs Aldi are doing. Why is everything so delicious?! Self control, Belle. Self control.....

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: My infamous relax playlist/a youtube video about NicokadoAvocado....

148.6

It’s going down! 

I wish it was less than that (obviously) but I’ll take it as a win, for now. We went to Aldi last night and I bought some healthy fruits and salad to help me stay on track. I also bought some honey to put into my coffee instead of my sugar free syrups because they're full of chemicals and that can't be good to have on the daily. Hopefully honey will sort me out! I got some peppermint and ginger tea to try and help my digestion because I've been feeling awfully bloated lately. I had two cups last night and I swear I feel sort of better this morning!! I hope I will see 147lbs tomorrow. I tried to make myself look somewhat presentable in the outfit department today: 

I haven't worn this skirt in a while so I thought I'd bring it back out. I felt it looked a bit silly on me last time I wore it but somehow this time miraculously it looks okay. (?!) 

Things have gone a bit crazy (or crazier) in this country, lately, Boris Johnson resigned and in the next week or so we will find out who has taken his place. It will be someone else from the Tory party (vomit) which means that we aren't actually going to be seeing any political moves that are in favour of helping out us regular folk... but what can we do? I mean, other than vote like hell in 2024 and hope that we can turf the tories out forever. Fingers crossed..... 

We're all struggling with our bills at the moment because the price of energy has utterly skyrocketted (they're blaming it on the war in Ukraine) and OFGEM have announced that the price cap will go from circa £1900 a year, to £3500 something in October (!!!) and then potentially somewhere around the realm of £5000 in January (!!!!!!!!). Isn't that utterly obscene?! That means that the average person will be fronting around £300+ a month for their energy bill, and to put that in perspective, our current bill is £114....... I am worried. I really hope that something happens to stop things being so utterly dreadful, people will die and it really is scary. I can't believe the shyte that we've had to go through in the 30 years that I've been alive - The twin towers, the recession in 2008, constant poor decisions made by our Tory overlords, no jobs, petrol crises where the price shot up to nearly £2 a litre, the pandemic....... Honestly. It's ridiculous, but all you can do is try to focus on you and yours otherwise you will go utterly insane. 

Which is why I've upgraded my phone and got a pretty new case, yey!:

It needed to happen because my phone speaker was dying a death after hammering it constantly since I got it in 2019. Isn't the heart confetti beautiful?! 

We've also started playing Animal Crossing as a means for escape from this crazy world and I must say, it bloody does work. It's such an adorable game! It's similar to Stardew Valley which is one of my favourites, the characters are ADORABLE. The things we have to do do escape reality.... 

But pray for us, readers/future readers/future Belle, I am not sure how this country will start getting better but I am hoping with every ounce of my being that it does. 

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: The miserable sound of the downfall of the UK...

Oh Manchester, so much to answer for…

This weekend we took an impromptu trip to Manchester! 

Each time I go to a city I’m reminded of how much I love cityscapes. We stayed in the ever faithful Premier Inn; this particular one was located atop a multi-storey carpark, so views are to be enjoyed by all who stay here even if you stay on the "ground" floor! Amazing! I love it. I adore views, this very reason is why I traipsed all the way to the top of both Tokyo Skytree and Tokyo Tower during one of my trips to Japan. Just being up there, all the way at the top, taking everything in, really puts things into perspective and makes you feel humbled. ESPECIALLY at night.

Anyway. After arriving, eating the most delicious grilled cheese sandwich, and drinking THE most incredible strawberry lemonade available on this planet in Northern Soul, we obviously went straight to Afflecks, which is this amazingly cool three-storey shopping "complex" (if you can call it that) brimming with alternative and LGBTQ+ friendly shops that are mostly locally owned and independent. It is a sight to behold, and if you're a member of the alternative community as I am (fully fledged now I'm in my thirties...) then it is literally the place of  your DREAMS. Rich bought some cool purple tartan skinny jeans from a shop called Punk'd, along with a T shirt sporting the slogan "Make Emo Great Again" which I am just now realising could very well be a Brexit reference, which makes it all the more cool than it originally was. 

JUST LOOK AT THIS GLORIOUS FOOD. LOOK. AT. IT.

Obligatory Afflecks selfie.

I decided to wear my Liz Lisa dress that I got in Japan - I haven't worn it before that since Christmas 2019, but I decided that it's entirely too cute to be left abandoned in my wardrobe and since it now fits me again (hooray!) I decided to not give a crap and wear it out to Manchester, the place where it will most likely be appreciated the most. And it was! I got two compliments on my dress, and I honestly felt so good, it made me want to buy more Liz Lisa dresses and get a little collection going. I have my eye on a couple on Depop right now, so watch this space... But now for the pièce de résistance. I bought myself the cutest bag I have ever seen in my entire life, in fact it is SO cute I could actually shed a little tear: 

Honestly. I could cry. 

I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I spent my Saturday night researching the best breakfast places in Manchester and found a lovely little cafe called Hampton and Vouis, so on Sunday morning we embarked upon brunch and it absolutely did not disappoint. I had the most delicious sourdough bread toast topped with poached eggs, mozzarella, tomato avocado, and whatever mystery dressing they had but UGH it was SO DELICIOUS. You know when you eat something that is entirely so fucking delicious it makes you feel like you've transcended into a higher level of being? Yeah, that was the sort of food they do there. To die for. Obviously I had to photo-document the sheer beauty:

Have you ever seen such a beautiful brunch? 

It was glorious. I could eat that for every single one of my remaining breakfasts for the rest of my life and be 100% happy. Manchester is worth visiting just for the food alone. 

Obviously, though, my scales are now screaming at me because of the utterly criminal indulgence of the weekend :( but I'm back on my diet today. I managed to get down to 149.2lbs on Saturday and I've been waiting to see 149 for SO LONG so I'm really hoping it won't take me too long to get back to that and even lower. After 149 the next benchmark is 139, and then 129... If I make it to 129 then I will breathe a sigh of relief because I should be able to fit into my beautiful clothes again and feel a bit more like an actual human being. Wish me luck! 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: My relax playlist/Rich hammering buttons on his playstation playing whatever game he's playing. I'll ask. "Just that Maneater game" apparently...

Photo Dump!

Heatwave! 

We had our second heatwave of the year last week, which is basically unheard of in this country. But it was glorious! I have just finished my two weeks of annual leave off work and fortunately we had some lovely weather over my second week. It was Rich's 30th birthday on 10th August, so him, his mum, sister and I all bundled into our car and went to Wentworth Woodhouse. Despite growing up a 10 minute drive away I actually had enver been, so it was lovely to experience it. It was a bit strange though, the decor was impressive, but there was little to no furniture in the rooms which we all thought was rather odd. Still though, look how gorgeous the facade is: 

Rich also took an amazing photo of me flailing around by a beautiful fireplace in my giant boots:

It was really nice to actually walk around somewhere I've been hearing about for so long but haven't actually had the time to experience finally. 

Oh, on a completely unrelated note, please adore accordingly this amazing cutlery set I purchased from Shein (shut up, they're bad fast fashion, but if you treasure it it's NOT BAD):

Aren't they beautiful?! I also had to get a new passport as mine was scarily close to becoming expired. It's all bluey-black now because of Brexit. Honestly, what sort of world are we living in these days? Ick. 

After Rich's birthday he was feeling a little low because of hitting the big "three-oh", bless him. (I'm two and a half years into that now, buckle up sonny-jim) so we took ourselves off to Cannon Hall in Barnsley. That was honestly better than Wentworth Woodhouse, and Wentworth Woodhouse had a ridiculously expensive entrance fee but Cannon hall was FREE, baby! We walked around all the rooms, saw some beautiful furniture and had the most divine lemon cheesecake I have ever experienced for lunch. I also took a liking to this picture: 

I wish I was as beautiful as her. She is everything I want to be. But I am not her, I am me, and here is me, as below: 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: Tick, tock...

8:27am.

Good Mo(u)rning.

There's a chill in the air, this morning - a stark difference from the overwhelming stuffy heatwave we were experiencing this time last week. It's crazy, really. English weather is so erratic; one minute you can be freezing your arse off, the next you can be utterly sweltering. Watch this space, though, I am sure we have worse to come.......

Doom and gloom aside, I've just sat down at my desk to start my shift. I've had to make a pot of coffee already today, normally I wait until around 10am to have my first coffee but I could feel myself lagging as I was getting dressed this morning so early morning coffee it is. I'm running out of my lovely chocolate truffle coffee and fast, I need to get some more on Amazon but I'm reluctant to spend money. We're so so poor at the moment, I've actually dwindled my poor savings account down to the bones, which is unusual for me. I usually like to have a savings cushion, but with all the things we've had to pay out for (food, car, massively depressing water bill), I've had to dip into my savings quite a bit. It's Rich's 30th birthday on the 10th August, so of course I've had to pay out a bit extra there as well to make sure I get him some good gifts, and I'm going to get some balloons and banners and stuff for the house to try and make things a bit special for him on the day. I don't mind at all paying out for things like that, but I'm eager to get my savings replenished when I can because it makes me uncomfortable not having anything to help me if something unexpected pops up. I know there are people out there who are struggling far more than Rich and I, but it's all relative - I will feel much better come September's pay when we can both look at nursing our savings accounts back to health. 

Anyway. Today I weighed 152.2, which is a little annoying since I was seeing 151.8 last week but I'm hoping that in a few days when things stabilise I will be able to go beneath that. The main point is I'm sticking to my plan, and I'm feeling SLIGHTLY better than I have been doing. Honestly, I feel my magical new shorts are to blame - I actually feel like I look good in them! So today I've donned the magical shorts with my bat jumper to bundle up away from the chill: 

I'm feeling much better since getting my hair dyed natural, as well. I knew it was stressing me out having such an uneven colour/such giant roots but I didn't realise just how much. It's been totally refreshing to have such consistent hair. I'm not sure if I mentioned previously that I had to get my dye touched up - the colour had started fading a bit weird and patchy since I got it dyed naturally first time around, so on Thursday last week I went back to my hairdresser and she kindly fixed it for me and made it look more even. I'm going to get some highlights put back in in the winter (maybe November time), so I'm hoping once it's faded out a little more it will look nice. I can't wait for my length to grow out a bit longer, too, it's quite long now but I have absolutely had it longer. I'd like another 3 or 4 inches on the length and then I think I'll be happy with it. Long glossy hair, plz! 

Anyway. It's 8:44am now and I suppose I'd better trundle off to go and do some work. 

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: Council House Crackdown on Youtube because trash TV gives me life. 

Dead is the new alive

152.8lbs this morning. 

It's not all that bad - It could, of course, be better, but I'll take it. This weekend was our anniversary weekend (2 years!) so we went to the cinema to go and see Thor: Love and Thunder. I'm not usually hugely into Marvel movies and I haven't seen the previous Thor movies, but I enjoyed this one! Although, we booked to go and see late evening on Saturday at Meadowhall thinking it would be quiet; spoiler: it was not. One of the seats in the middle of the VIP section where we were seated was out of use, but this lady and her son clambered past us to go and sit in there unaware of this and sat on the broken seat anyway. It gets on my nerves when people walk past you in the cinema - there's never enough room, they always knock you around and make a huge kerfuffle about moving past. But I suppose it can't be helped. 

Anyway. We went to Nando's for dinner on Saturday, they've started doing some vegetarian chicken and it was actually really nice. On the table behind us a girl was sitting who kept bursting into tears, she was sitting with a boy and I'm not sure what he had done/said but either way it was upsetting to her. I felt sad for her; I wanted to send her anonymous piece of cake to cheer her up or go and ask if she was okay but unfortunately I'd probably have my mental health questioned if I decided to go through with that. Poor soul. Crying girl: I'm sending you my good vibes today, I hope that you told your boyfriend to get in the bin and went and had some fun this weekend! 

But yes. The weekend's festivities meant that I struggled to keep to my calories due to the lovely meal out and consuming an INORDINATE amount of popcorn in the cinema. So of course, although my scales said 151.8 on Saturday, I have since gone back up. I'm hoping that things will go back down tomorrow if I'm a good girl today. I'd really like to see 149lbs very soon. I am WILLING for it. Last night I tried on The Amazing Jeans and I think (?) they fit a little better.... 

(ignore my dumpy squish-body plz)

Rich said that I look like I have a "mum-bod" in these. I don't know how these mums do it, squishing themselves into clothes that don't fit and running around after their little ones..... That's certainly something I do not want to do. Hopefully I'll have sorted my weight out before putting a bun into my oven. Here's hoping - and here's to seeing 149lbs on the scale this week....

But fat chance, probably (emphasis on the "fat", ha). 

🌙🌟

Current Music: Dead is the New Alive - Emilie Autumn // The Avengers movie coming from the TV

God god, it’s ROASTING

We are literally on fire in this heat. We've had the fan on almost all of the day (my poor electricity bill is CRYING) and we even got Mr Jeff a cooling mat for him to sleep on which has since been put into the fridge to make it even more cool-y. I sort of enjoy the heat, though - when you ignore the reasoning behind why we have been suffering with such high temperatures lately, obviously it is terrifying when you actuallly think about it, but I can honestly hand-on-heart say at this point I am just too damn tired to even comprehend that right now. So, onto brighter things: WE ACTUALLY HAVE HALLOWEEN THINGS IN THE SHOPS NOW! IN JULY! Isn't it amazing?! Look at our amazing haul we absolutely had to buy from Homesense last night after taking an impromptu trip to raid their shelves: 

(Skull candle, Witch's Brew plaque, two sets of spooky towels, adorable ghost, salt and pepper set and a cute wee little bat decoration)

Look how cute!! I already had a cute little ghost like the one I got last night on the bottom right, but as soon as I saw him I knew I absolutely had to get him because obviously the one I already had needed a friend, right?

I love that halloween is in so early. I agree though, it's completely and utterly bonkers that it is, but the arrival of spooky goods means that I can easily goth up my house without making my wallet cry. I live for this. 

Oh - I had a lovely time on Saturday, by the way! My friend Jess and I had a wander around York, ate some (veggie) sushi, and did some shopping for her to find some new shorts and a crop top for Pride weekend. I also stumbled upon a pair of absolutely MAGICAL shorts that I had to buy (bank account plz ignore) because they FITTED ME! I couldn't believe it! The label said waist 28 and my waist is still 31, but I thought ehh, fuck it let's give it a go and they fitted!!! I was literally sitting in the changing rooms thinking to myself "absolutely not, these will not go over my thighs" but OH THEY DID. And the best thing about them is they have giant pockets with straight stitches down them that make anybody look teeny weeny: 

(Magical shorts ft. Mr Jeff lounging in tbe background. I love him.)

Aren't they beautiful?! I honestly had a fleeting moment of 2020-Belle feels which made me feel a bit taken aback because I haven't felt like that in so long. Of course the reality is I still have 30lbs to go until I'm anywhere near the realm of that, but I'm on my way god damn it. I LOVE these shorts; full on heart-shaped eyes and everything, they're giving me life. My weight was 152.6lbs this morning which isn't amazing but it's not bad, either. Well it is - it's disgusting, but I am trying, OK?! 

Tonight I will go to Meadowhall (the nearest shopping centre here) to meet a fairly new friend of mine for Sushi and Meadowhall-wanderings, which will be nice. I'm utterly exhausted but I'm sure when I actually get there I'll perk up after a coffee or two. I'm going to wear my new shorts, of course, and hopefully I'll actually feel a bit like a real-life human when I've put some makeup on and got changed. 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: Super-duper chill relax playlist accompanied by the sound of whirring fans around me and CallMeKevin coming from the TV whilst Rich works away on the sofa. 

Some progress!

Back down to 152.8lbs this morning! 

Future Belle is gonna laugh because my previous post was all "oh woe is me I feel sad etc" and today, just one day later, I am going "woohoo, progress!" lmao. I'm such a class A weirdo. BUT IT IS MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BE A WEIRDO. And who cares - a win is a win! 

Anyway. I'm really hoping that I can go even lower by the end of the week. I tried on a pair of shorts (some stretchy ones) that I couldn't fit into a couple of months ago because they were too tight, and miraculously I can fit into them today! 

(Fat thighs make me want to vomit, BLEH)

Please ignore the hodge-podge of an outfit, it's my comfy cosy working from home outfit - even though we are currently experiencing a heatwave... 

But YEY! I can fit into them! I sort of feel like I was lying about not being able to squeeze into them before but I know I wasn't because I took photographs. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to do the same in a few months with The Amazing Jeans I posted about a few days ago. I think they'll be so cosy with my hoodie above for the colder months. I just have this image of snuggling up in all my lovely clothes in the autumn, going on brisk walks and crunching my way through the leaves. In reality though, as I said we are in a heatwave and there are so many people who are dreadfully miserable about it. Poor Rich can't cope, it's absolutely boiling in our second floor flat and Mr Jeff has been looking somewhat deflated as of late. I've tried to cool him down by putting some ice cubes in his water bowls and buying him a cooling mat, which he loved (fleetingly), but he has this terrible habit of curling hismself away in tiny little places, tucked away under some shelves or a chair which I think must be hotter than sleeping somewhere more out in the open. He's a sillyface. 

On Saturday I'm going to meet my friend in York, and today I have been thinking about what I might wear. I've had this vision of summery gothic floaty dresses but unfortauntely I don't have anything similar to that to wear. I might raid my wardrobe when my shift is over and try a few things on to see how I fit into them now. I'm thinking fishnets and boots, but I'm not so sure? I may post a few outfit ideas on here if I can muster up the energy later on. It's supposed to be THIRTY-SIX DEGREES at the weekend which is utterly bonkers! So hopefully whatever I do pull out of my wardrobe and settle upon wearing won't make me feel like a sweaty bog witch all day.... Strap yourself in, boys, we're in for a scorcher.

🌙🌟 

Current Music: My super amazing Spotify relax playlist that no one can ever be mad about. I am an expert playlist-er.

The Slump

So last night we did this thing through an app called Too Good To Go that basically allows you to buy "magic bags" from specific shops containing their leftover food that are listed as a set price, but you get a random assortment of products. We did it at our local Starbucks and it was actually really good - we got 2 cinnamon swirls, 3 meat free/vegan wraps/sandwiches and a yoghurt pot. I ended up eating an entire cinnamon swirl and now I feel ridiculously guilty about it. But c'est la vie......

Obviously this morning I weighed the same as yesterday morning (153.8), so today I'm going to try and eat less to compensate for it. My dad has also got covid, AGAIN, and yesterday he came over to see us so there's a chance that Rich and I could have it, too. I'm really hoping we don't as Rich has a ridiculously busy week this week and I've planned to go to York on Saturday to see a lovely friend of mine. So here's hoping nothing manifests within the next few days. 

I'm feeling a bit down today.. I'm not sure if I'm hormonal or what, but I'm feeling like I'm a bit sad with where I am in life. I know it's dumb and someday I'll inevitably look back on now and think "you absolute pudding, Belle" - But, meh. A youtuber I follow (Stephanie Lange) has announced her second pregnancy and she's this utterly beautiful vision of health; thin, curvy body, beautiful hair, radiant skin.... and I just feel like I just look haggard, sickly and gray, like a pile of old newspapers. I don't feel all the best lately though, as we know, so hopefully things will equalise as we enter into a more stable period.... whenever that may be. It would be impossible to forecast what will happen with the passage of time but we will see. We will always see, fingers crossed, grin and bear it, all that sort of thing. 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: This playlist as I drink iced coffee because it's still boiling and incredibly stuffy in here.

It's warm.

But I'm not mad about it. I did read earlier that technology has predicted that we might reach up to 40°C over the month of July (although I'm not sure how true that actually is) and the idea of that scares me. This country is not built to withstand temperatures as high as that - especially the houses we live in, hopefully energy costs will drop soon so that we can all sit by our fans all day..... But oh well. I can't see into the future so all I can do is focus on the here and now, and my here and now is rather comfortable. I'm sitting watching Bob's Burgers in my dressing gown on the sofa, Rich has gone to practice for the school musical he's taking part in over 4 days next week so it will just be me for the weekend. I don't mind that, though, I can take some time to sprawl out being lazy and not get dressed. Lazy days are pyjama days, without fail. 

I have some housework I need to do at some point: Mr Jeff's litter tray needs changing, I need to hoover and polish, take out the bins, that sort of thing. Nothing too strenuous, though. I can do all of that whilst I watch dreadful TV programmes (600lb Life, I'm looking at you) before I get a bath later on. I do need to get some more cucumber though, lately I've been having cucumber sticks with salt, pepper, garlic powder and Nando's lemon and herb sauce and honestly it is AMAZING. It's my new addiction, but I ran out of cucumber yesterday (the horror) so I will need to get some either today or tomorrow at the latest so I don't throw myself off. I'll see whether I can muster up the energy to walk to Co op later on, but it's no big deal if I decide to put it off until tomorrow. There are no rules for today. My hair also needs washing; I washed it for the first time since I had it dyed the other day and the colour faded quite a lot, I'm a little bit worried to wash it again because I don't want to lose more colour - but on the flipside, I wanted it more of a natural blonde rather than natural brown, so it might work out, maybe? Watch this space either way.

Oh, I was actually 152.8lbs this morning! I sort of don't trust it though because I didn't weigh myself immediately after I woke up like I usually do, but I'll take it, for now. Hopefully it won't bounce back up tomorrow and piss me off. 

Anyway. I'm off to be entirely lazy until I pull myself off the sofa to start my housework, whatever time that may be.....

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: Bob's Burgers. 

A Summer Evening

I didn't get the job.

It was bullshit, actually. Pure bullshit. I went into the interview wearing my best blazer, squeezed myself into my skirt and my new blouse and donned my shiny new cutesy bow jelly shoes. This was some peak normality Belle. But did I get it? Asbo-fucking-lutely not. 

Why? 

Because it's all fucking rigged that's why. The interview pitted me against another girl who was already working in a school, who may or may not already work in a school that was PART OF THE SAME ACADEMY TRUST (speculation, but y'know - raise ya eyebrow here), who in all honesty was a bit...... weird. She was an oversharer - you know those types who tell you their entire life story within 5 minutes of meeting them? Yeah, one of those. Now, I am no stranger to oversharing, but I do like to believe that I do it in a way that doesn't put people off. (Hopeful vibes here). More like the "loveable oversharer" who encourages other people to open up - if that doesn't make me sound entirely too conceited. Anyway. Within five minutes of gracing her presence I had learned that she was made redundant from her job of 5 years, her ex boyfriend left her and kicked her out the house, he took her cat, and, oh! She did an NVQ qualification in administration because she wanted to be an administrator. Oooooooookay then lovey. I don't want to be judgemental (except I do, because fuck you) but I honestly think people like that have nothing about them. No pizzazz. She actually ASPIRED to be an administrator. Who on earth actually wants to do that?! It's just not. It. 

But alas, I'm sure she's actually perfectly nice and blah blah blah whatever. But the point is, because she already had experience in a school, that meant that the feedback I was given was quite literally "we want you to know you couldn't have done anything better at all, we loved you and have absolutely nothing against you personally it's just that the othe- Another candidate had more experience than you". 

THIS IS LITERALLY THE THIRD INTERVIEW I HAVE HAD THIS YEAR THAT HAS PUT ME AS SECOND BEST AND HIRED SOMEONE ELSE. And the guy who was given the lovely task of delivering my bad news literally let slip that it was her that got the bloody job, since she was the candidate that was running against me, and he mistakenly said "other candidate" and then corrected himself to say "another". The fucking audacity.

But ugh, is that not enough to drive someone entirely bonkers?! I'm just utterly done being second best, I'm done with it. I've tried so hard all of my life, traipsed through awful situations, dragged myself away from dreadful people and pulled myself back up after being knocked down so many times as I am sure many others have, too. But when does it end? I honestly feel as though I have been cursed; someone has it out for me, it's a vendetta, I am being targetted etc. Yes, that is ludicrous I am fully aware - but who can blame me for feeling this way? I just want to catch a break, and I truly feel I am entitled to feel this way. I spent all of last night slumped over in an emotional haze because I just felt like that was it, what's the point in trying anymore? And what's worse, I had to actually physically go into the office today. It wasn't all that bad when I got there but I always feel even more exhausted when I have to go in because it's always so draining. That fake laughter, the involving yourself in other people's lives.... the fakeness. I'm tired of it. Perhaps that's part of adulthood, though. Learning to live through the fakery, but I for one know I will always struggle with coming to terms with that. I don't do well with dishonesty; if you lie to me, you can get in the fucking bin. I'd rather sit in silence than have interactions forced upon me. I have gone on a sort of verbal-detour here away from my main point but ugh. STOP IT, WORLD. JUST STOP IT, WILL YOU?? 

Bleh.

I am alone and my heart is sore because everything is always so dramatic and it makes me feel vulnerable and tender. I just want somebody to recognise what I'm worth professionally and see something in me, is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. And no, I don't have main character syndrome, (in fact I would go as far as saying I have completely the opposite of that) but if there's one thing I know I am good at, it's working. When you're The Good ChildTM you are taught always to emphatically do your best and not speak out and get good grades and you'll succeed in life. What a load of everloving bullshittery that is. If anyone ever tells you that do NOT listen. Live your life your own way, step out of line, ruffle a few feathers, cause a ruckus. It's just not worth it otherwise.  

Oh, some good news: I was 153.2lbs this morning. Not the best by miles but the best I have been thus far. Here's hoping tomorrow I will see 152.something and can at least feel good about that.

 🌙🌟

Current Music:  This shitty watermarked version of the music from Abroad in Japan's youtube videos on repeat because it's oddly catchy

The Brunette

So, first thing's first: 154.4.

I got down to 153.8 on Saturday morning but because I had some friends over on Saturday my good efforts were compromised - but at LEAST I'm still 154.4 this morning. I was expecting 156 again and I swear to god if that had happened I would have had some form of a breakdown. But. It didn't! I got my hair dyed on Saturday like I'd been wanting to for SO LONG. I'm brown again! Truthfully I feel my fringe area is a bit dark but it will fade, and after a few months have passed and some roots have grown in I am sure it will look much more natural. Here's hoping. I won't include a picture because I'm entirely way too fucking fat to do that so you're just gonna have to deal until I feel more like an actual human being instead of a walking blob. My hairdresser had to cut off around an inch and a half of hair as well which makes me feel very sad but it will grow back. I feel a little bit nakey though with it gone... My hair is my security blanket and even with it being only marginally shorter I'm still feeling the difference. Give me a few months and all will be well. 

What else. Oh! I have an interview with the School! In all honestly it's a little bit scary, though. I've been feeling conflicted because the wage for it is so much less than I'm on now, but I am truly miserable where I am now so it's just a matter of weighing up positives and negatives. I've concluded that the only negative (thus far, of course) is the wage, whereas my current position has a whole bloody boatload of negativity..... 

My interview will take place on Thursday at 11:15, so I've booked the day off with work and I had to do the very dreadful thing of plucking up the courage to tell my manager that I'd like the day off to attend an interview. She was super lovely about it which made me feel rather guilty if I'm honest. But if you feel you aren't progressing in your role, what else is there to do? So I'll be there at 11:15 on Thursday, I've bought myself a new adorable blouse from Hell Bunny to wear, some cute little jelly dolly shoes with bows on the front (as all my other cute shoes have been lost in various moves and/or fallen to bits), and I THINK I'm going to wear my blazer so that I can try and make a good impression. I may be ever so slightly overdressed, but better to be overdressed than under, right? 

But... I am conflicted. In truth I don't know how I will feel until proabably when I get there and things will reveal themselves over the course of the interview. There's going to be a student tour where one (or more) of the children will show me the school, which is a rather adorable idea. Rich has told me that that happens when you're interviewed for a teaching position, so it makes sense all staff must do the same. My dad is also going to come and have a talk with me before I attend the interview to go over some pointers as he used to be a teacher before he retired. I have all this support, but I'm still feeling as though I don't know which direction to take. I really do hate how difficult things ALWAYS are. Please can I catch a break?! Rich and I went for a walk at Longshaw yesterday and talked things over, he was a little upset because of our financial situation but I don't think there's much else we can to do alleviate it. We just need to get ourselves to the end of September when we both should have an income and things should be easier. But the world is so cruel and unforgiving - It really does feel as though this country especially places such great focus on the already rich and provides little to no help for those who struggle. It just makes me feel so disappointed that we've ended up living in a country that's so unfeeling. Fend for yourself, "just stop buying so many lattes and avocado toast and you'll be fine". This narrative needs to die. 

Excuse me while I go and escape into the woods in attempt an to leave all this stress behind me...

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Two Waves - Holy Fawn.

In Which: We are approaching the weekend but I still hate myself lol.

156.0lbs today. UGH. 

Last night I tried on some old jeans of mine from 2020 that are that super ripped up cool-punky-skinny type and I couldn't even FATHOM how much I struggled to get them past my arse 😭. I honestly don't understand how I've managed to put on so much weight in such a short amount of time, I could fit in them in spring 2021..... 

There was honestly about a 5 inch gap between the button and the button hole. I hate this. HATE THIS. I hate that my weight has been crazy this week as well, this time last week I was 154.8lbs so I've basically put over a pound on this week somehow. I'm trying to think, though, that every time I try on clothes that don't fit they are just motivation pictures:

September 2020

June 2022

In about a year and a half I've gone from the picture above to the picture below. It's disgusting, it makes me want to be sick! But I'm trying, and I HAVE lost SOME weight according to My Fitness Pal, but clearly not nearly enough. I've decided I'm going to try and have a better action plan and incorporate more exercise into my week, so I've set a reminder on my phone for 5pm each day for me to get on the exercise bike after I finish work for 30 minutes. That shouldn't be too hard. All I need to do is stick to my calories, try and get more exercise and eat a bit more mindfully (which I have been doing). Ideally I'd like to look better than the picture of me from September 2020 so that I can know that I've kicked my own ass. Achievable, right? 

I've made some coffee because that's "bowel friendly" in the sense that it should get things moving lmao. I've also changed my weigh in day from a Saturday to a Sunday because I've noticed I'm getting too fucking cheeky and going "I've gone down now, fuck it, let's eat ALL the things for the rest of the weekend" and that is a terrible, terrible idea. So no more of that. EXERCISE AND STICKING TO MY DEFICIT. COME ONNNNNNNN. Pray for me the scales move back down tomorrow, please. PRAY FOR ME. 

 🌙🌟

P.S. Still nothing back from my application, but the deadline isn't until 27th June, so I have to hang on a little longer still...

Current Music: Omit - Grivo/The coffee machine bubbling away behind me 

Thursday Mourning

155.2lbs today. But I suppose I haven't been sticking to my calorie deficit all that well lately.... I've just been so tired. I went to the dentist on Tuesday and had a filling in my tooth that lasted about an hour long, they pull and tug and your jaw so much that it's Thursday morning and my mouth STILL hurts to open it. Yesterday when I finished I felt like the living dead, I spent most of the evening slumped over the sofa until I dragged myself into a the bath. I am just. So. Tired. 

We've been spending a lot of time lately watching a programme about life at secondary school, there's a series by Channel 4 that begun as Educating Yorkshire, but has had various other spin offs. Educating Yorkshire has been such a lovely show to watch, children can be utterly hilarious and heart warming.

Which leads me on to my latest job application. After continous "No"s, I decided to apply for a reception/administrator role at a school nearby me. The wage is far, far less than I'm on currently but I honestly do not care. I need a job that will be rewarding and make me feel valued for my contribution, and this job sure fire ain't it son. So I have applied. School applications are SO LONG

They literally require an essay on why you'd like to work at the school in order to be considered. So I spent the last day or so combing through my application to be sure I'd done it right, I also spoke with a man at the school regarding the role who was super fucking lovely and it honestly sounds like the right move for me. I just hope that I get asked to go for an interview. My track record for that has been dreadful lately, but I'm hoping the effort I put into applying will help put me in good stead. I'm qualified more than anyone else for the role, I adore children and I try so hard in my work. PICK ME, GOD DAMMMIT.

Maybe next time I post I'll have some news......

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Drift - Slow Crush/The tippy-tapping noise my fingers make on the keyboard...

A Sad Cartoon.

So I was 154.8lbs this morning. It’s movement, right? Still disgusting, though. Complete and utter vomit. 

I went into my office today for the first time in six months and it was horrible. I really feel like I’m just a number, I’m not a person with valuable skills - I’m just worth the daily tasks I complete. And what’s worse is they’re making me go back in on a “phased return” once a week, every friday, starting 1st July. I honestly would rather take a long walk into the ocean than do that. Being in the office around all the small-talk and idle time filling chit-chat made me realise how much I absolutely cannot stand work culture. I work so much better at home. Why can’t I be trusted? 

I’m worried about commuting, too. The “once a week” thing will be reviewed in August sometime and I fully expect to be told I have to return to working in the office full-time. I’m worried I’ll be far too tired to commute every day to mooch around the office and bleed all my energy into making money for someone else. I don’t want this life. 

I don’t want it. 

 🌙🌟

P.S. I saw a post on Reddit earlier that I could basically have written: 

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Current Music: Bob’s Burgers. God I love this show.

Update II

 So I... sort of... managed it....? 

I got to about 8:30pm and begun to feel really weak so I decided I had to eat something. I ended up with rice, cheese, some quorn picnic eggs and some chocolate. I had about 1021 calories which isn't amazing but eh - it's not bad. Today I'm going to try again, I started my fasting app up again after I ate last night and I'm going to see how far I can get with it.

I weighed 156.4lbs today. Which is absolutely fucking DIS-GUS-TING but it's much better than I was before (168lbs, EURGH). So my weight is going down. This makes me happy. 

I'm not sure what we will eat for dinner tonight as it's the last day my boyfriend will work at his current school (where he's been training for his teaching qualification) and I think emotions are running a little high. Bless him. He has worked SO HARD and I'm so proud of him.

I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself. I feel like whenever I start talking about anything on here I always revert back to the "woe is me" mantra but honestly this is my journal so I do what I want haha. 

Mr Jeff is behind me munching on his food - we got him a little ball that holds his kibble so he has to move it around to release some to stop him grazing all day. I think it's been working, he has to lose a bit more weight I think but he's a good boy. I love him. 

I'm not sure if I even mentioned that we moved again, did I? Yeah we moved out from the icky basement flat - I know I said previously it was cute, which it was, until Linda the Landlady came back and then it became really un-fucking-tolerable really fucking quick. The Others that lived above were SOO NOISY, the floorboards creaked us awake every single morning and the flat was just mouldy and poorly ventilated and shit. It was a good start for us because we needed it, but it definitely got old really fast and we outgrew it super quickly. 

So we're in Chapeltown, now, near my Dad, and it's MUCH better here. We're in a second floor flat so we actually have light! And windows! AND DOORS! I've never been so excited to have windows and doors before lmao. The basement flat was stifling us. This place is small but it does its best for us for now. Eventually we'll have to move, but we plan on hopefully getting a mortgage when we do move so that we can have a house of our own. We have big dreams of weddings, houses, children... but we can't afford any of it right now so those plans will have to have a pin in them for now. I'm just happy I've found my person in Rich. He's honestly the best I've ever had. We work so well together, he's just warm and loving and lovely. He's actually calling me right now, haha. 

Anyway. My weight is on the way down, which is good, I'm going to keep looking for jobs, which is good (ish) so we'll see where I end up.

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Vespertine - Holy Fawn (We've got the ambient nostalgia goth going on).

Update.

I came back. Much like yesterday, I am in the bath again…. 

But I feel that this is the best place for me. I’ve actually stuck to my fast for once, it’s 5:46pm and I haven’t eaten anything. I’ve had one of those instant cinnamon bun lattes and some black coffee but I haven’t actually eaten anything yet. Go me! I’m not sure if I’ll last the night, but here’s hoping…

Back under I go again….

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Banshee - Loathe 🖤

At what point does it become sad…

That your own blog posts start to speak to you?

Here I am sitting in the bath, feeling depressed, again. It’s almost humorous that writing a journal entry to me has now become a cathartic process of unburdening. 

In reference to my previous post: I am STILL trying to find a new job. IT HAS BEEN SIX MONTHS OF SEARCHING SO FAR. It’s almost impossible of late; there’s a part of me that feels like there is some kind of cosmic intervention going on - someone up there is interjecting my efforts because I am “not ready” or some bullshit. Well I AM ready. You hear me?

I’ve also been dieting for… (I’ll check…) 35 days now. Which is a positive step, but I’ve had a few days where I’ve fallen off the wagon as per. Of course I’m expected to do that, I mean - it’s me lmao. This is what I DO. But apparently I’ve lost 10lbs since my highest weight in april but I honestly truthfully cannot see any ounce of difference. I was just sitting on the sofa whilst my boyfriend was in the bath, listening to Loathe to soothe myself and an idea hit me: I need to fast. I think because I struggle with overindulgence over the weekend I need to try to fast at the beginning of the week to make up for it. My body has been used to be skipping meals before, so I think for one day I should be fine. Right? 

I’ll check back tomorrow - or maybe I won’t? I don’t know, who cares, actually. I’ll be around. 

I think I need to commit to this new plan of action. I have to lose this weight and stop feeling like I’m spinning out of control. I need to take all of these little positive steps and move forward in the right direction so I can nurse myself back into good mental health again. 

I’ve booked an appointment with the hairdresser on 2nd July to dye my hair back to my natural colour (or as near to it as possible) because in 2021 I went back to bright but I can’t mentally deal with dyeing my roots so much right now. Small steps towards release. 

I WILL DO THIS, Belle. I’ll do it for you. 

Edit: I’m back. I’m back because I’ve realised how ridiculous it is to tie even an inch of self-worth into a job role. It is not a career! How idiotic to place so much energy into something that does nothing but inspire complete and utter misery. I am worth so much more.

Even if that means I need to switch things up entirely and go back to full time at Starbucks then why not just do it? Jobs are not permanent, it is entirely OK to leave and go elsewhere if it will help obtain some level of solace. I’ll keep looking and applying. My boyfriend has finally found a job of his own so the financial responsibility that rests on my shoulders will ease come September, so realistically, I only have 2-3 months until we’ll have his income to help us. That is not a long time. Part of me wants to just hand my notice in even though I don’t have another job to go to but I know that just isn’t the right move just yet. Things are unbearable for me right now but I’ll forever keep trying. Forever. 

Then, when we’re settled and I’m less mental-illness-y, we’re going to try for a baby. I hope the universe shines some positive light on me so I can start my life and my family properly. I will love myself just as much as I’ll love my future. 

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Theme - Loathe. 🖤