8:27am.

Good Mo(u)rning.

There's a chill in the air, this morning - a stark difference from the overwhelming stuffy heatwave we were experiencing this time last week. It's crazy, really. English weather is so erratic; one minute you can be freezing your arse off, the next you can be utterly sweltering. Watch this space, though, I am sure we have worse to come.......

Doom and gloom aside, I've just sat down at my desk to start my shift. I've had to make a pot of coffee already today, normally I wait until around 10am to have my first coffee but I could feel myself lagging as I was getting dressed this morning so early morning coffee it is. I'm running out of my lovely chocolate truffle coffee and fast, I need to get some more on Amazon but I'm reluctant to spend money. We're so so poor at the moment, I've actually dwindled my poor savings account down to the bones, which is unusual for me. I usually like to have a savings cushion, but with all the things we've had to pay out for (food, car, massively depressing water bill), I've had to dip into my savings quite a bit. It's Rich's 30th birthday on the 10th August, so of course I've had to pay out a bit extra there as well to make sure I get him some good gifts, and I'm going to get some balloons and banners and stuff for the house to try and make things a bit special for him on the day. I don't mind at all paying out for things like that, but I'm eager to get my savings replenished when I can because it makes me uncomfortable not having anything to help me if something unexpected pops up. I know there are people out there who are struggling far more than Rich and I, but it's all relative - I will feel much better come September's pay when we can both look at nursing our savings accounts back to health. 

Anyway. Today I weighed 152.2, which is a little annoying since I was seeing 151.8 last week but I'm hoping that in a few days when things stabilise I will be able to go beneath that. The main point is I'm sticking to my plan, and I'm feeling SLIGHTLY better than I have been doing. Honestly, I feel my magical new shorts are to blame - I actually feel like I look good in them! So today I've donned the magical shorts with my bat jumper to bundle up away from the chill: 

I'm feeling much better since getting my hair dyed natural, as well. I knew it was stressing me out having such an uneven colour/such giant roots but I didn't realise just how much. It's been totally refreshing to have such consistent hair. I'm not sure if I mentioned previously that I had to get my dye touched up - the colour had started fading a bit weird and patchy since I got it dyed naturally first time around, so on Thursday last week I went back to my hairdresser and she kindly fixed it for me and made it look more even. I'm going to get some highlights put back in in the winter (maybe November time), so I'm hoping once it's faded out a little more it will look nice. I can't wait for my length to grow out a bit longer, too, it's quite long now but I have absolutely had it longer. I'd like another 3 or 4 inches on the length and then I think I'll be happy with it. Long glossy hair, plz! 

Anyway. It's 8:44am now and I suppose I'd better trundle off to go and do some work. 

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: Council House Crackdown on Youtube because trash TV gives me life. 

Dead is the new alive

152.8lbs this morning. 

It's not all that bad - It could, of course, be better, but I'll take it. This weekend was our anniversary weekend (2 years!) so we went to the cinema to go and see Thor: Love and Thunder. I'm not usually hugely into Marvel movies and I haven't seen the previous Thor movies, but I enjoyed this one! Although, we booked to go and see late evening on Saturday at Meadowhall thinking it would be quiet; spoiler: it was not. One of the seats in the middle of the VIP section where we were seated was out of use, but this lady and her son clambered past us to go and sit in there unaware of this and sat on the broken seat anyway. It gets on my nerves when people walk past you in the cinema - there's never enough room, they always knock you around and make a huge kerfuffle about moving past. But I suppose it can't be helped. 

Anyway. We went to Nando's for dinner on Saturday, they've started doing some vegetarian chicken and it was actually really nice. On the table behind us a girl was sitting who kept bursting into tears, she was sitting with a boy and I'm not sure what he had done/said but either way it was upsetting to her. I felt sad for her; I wanted to send her anonymous piece of cake to cheer her up or go and ask if she was okay but unfortunately I'd probably have my mental health questioned if I decided to go through with that. Poor soul. Crying girl: I'm sending you my good vibes today, I hope that you told your boyfriend to get in the bin and went and had some fun this weekend! 

But yes. The weekend's festivities meant that I struggled to keep to my calories due to the lovely meal out and consuming an INORDINATE amount of popcorn in the cinema. So of course, although my scales said 151.8 on Saturday, I have since gone back up. I'm hoping that things will go back down tomorrow if I'm a good girl today. I'd really like to see 149lbs very soon. I am WILLING for it. Last night I tried on The Amazing Jeans and I think (?) they fit a little better.... 

(ignore my dumpy squish-body plz)

Rich said that I look like I have a "mum-bod" in these. I don't know how these mums do it, squishing themselves into clothes that don't fit and running around after their little ones..... That's certainly something I do not want to do. Hopefully I'll have sorted my weight out before putting a bun into my oven. Here's hoping - and here's to seeing 149lbs on the scale this week....

But fat chance, probably (emphasis on the "fat", ha). 

🌙🌟

Current Music: Dead is the New Alive - Emilie Autumn // The Avengers movie coming from the TV

God god, it’s ROASTING

We are literally on fire in this heat. We've had the fan on almost all of the day (my poor electricity bill is CRYING) and we even got Mr Jeff a cooling mat for him to sleep on which has since been put into the fridge to make it even more cool-y. I sort of enjoy the heat, though - when you ignore the reasoning behind why we have been suffering with such high temperatures lately, obviously it is terrifying when you actuallly think about it, but I can honestly hand-on-heart say at this point I am just too damn tired to even comprehend that right now. So, onto brighter things: WE ACTUALLY HAVE HALLOWEEN THINGS IN THE SHOPS NOW! IN JULY! Isn't it amazing?! Look at our amazing haul we absolutely had to buy from Homesense last night after taking an impromptu trip to raid their shelves: 

(Skull candle, Witch's Brew plaque, two sets of spooky towels, adorable ghost, salt and pepper set and a cute wee little bat decoration)

Look how cute!! I already had a cute little ghost like the one I got last night on the bottom right, but as soon as I saw him I knew I absolutely had to get him because obviously the one I already had needed a friend, right?

I love that halloween is in so early. I agree though, it's completely and utterly bonkers that it is, but the arrival of spooky goods means that I can easily goth up my house without making my wallet cry. I live for this. 

Oh - I had a lovely time on Saturday, by the way! My friend Jess and I had a wander around York, ate some (veggie) sushi, and did some shopping for her to find some new shorts and a crop top for Pride weekend. I also stumbled upon a pair of absolutely MAGICAL shorts that I had to buy (bank account plz ignore) because they FITTED ME! I couldn't believe it! The label said waist 28 and my waist is still 31, but I thought ehh, fuck it let's give it a go and they fitted!!! I was literally sitting in the changing rooms thinking to myself "absolutely not, these will not go over my thighs" but OH THEY DID. And the best thing about them is they have giant pockets with straight stitches down them that make anybody look teeny weeny: 

(Magical shorts ft. Mr Jeff lounging in tbe background. I love him.)

Aren't they beautiful?! I honestly had a fleeting moment of 2020-Belle feels which made me feel a bit taken aback because I haven't felt like that in so long. Of course the reality is I still have 30lbs to go until I'm anywhere near the realm of that, but I'm on my way god damn it. I LOVE these shorts; full on heart-shaped eyes and everything, they're giving me life. My weight was 152.6lbs this morning which isn't amazing but it's not bad, either. Well it is - it's disgusting, but I am trying, OK?! 

Tonight I will go to Meadowhall (the nearest shopping centre here) to meet a fairly new friend of mine for Sushi and Meadowhall-wanderings, which will be nice. I'm utterly exhausted but I'm sure when I actually get there I'll perk up after a coffee or two. I'm going to wear my new shorts, of course, and hopefully I'll actually feel a bit like a real-life human when I've put some makeup on and got changed. 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: Super-duper chill relax playlist accompanied by the sound of whirring fans around me and CallMeKevin coming from the TV whilst Rich works away on the sofa. 

Some progress!

Back down to 152.8lbs this morning! 

Future Belle is gonna laugh because my previous post was all "oh woe is me I feel sad etc" and today, just one day later, I am going "woohoo, progress!" lmao. I'm such a class A weirdo. BUT IT IS MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BE A WEIRDO. And who cares - a win is a win! 

Anyway. I'm really hoping that I can go even lower by the end of the week. I tried on a pair of shorts (some stretchy ones) that I couldn't fit into a couple of months ago because they were too tight, and miraculously I can fit into them today! 

(Fat thighs make me want to vomit, BLEH)

Please ignore the hodge-podge of an outfit, it's my comfy cosy working from home outfit - even though we are currently experiencing a heatwave... 

But YEY! I can fit into them! I sort of feel like I was lying about not being able to squeeze into them before but I know I wasn't because I took photographs. I'm really hoping that I'll be able to do the same in a few months with The Amazing Jeans I posted about a few days ago. I think they'll be so cosy with my hoodie above for the colder months. I just have this image of snuggling up in all my lovely clothes in the autumn, going on brisk walks and crunching my way through the leaves. In reality though, as I said we are in a heatwave and there are so many people who are dreadfully miserable about it. Poor Rich can't cope, it's absolutely boiling in our second floor flat and Mr Jeff has been looking somewhat deflated as of late. I've tried to cool him down by putting some ice cubes in his water bowls and buying him a cooling mat, which he loved (fleetingly), but he has this terrible habit of curling hismself away in tiny little places, tucked away under some shelves or a chair which I think must be hotter than sleeping somewhere more out in the open. He's a sillyface. 

On Saturday I'm going to meet my friend in York, and today I have been thinking about what I might wear. I've had this vision of summery gothic floaty dresses but unfortauntely I don't have anything similar to that to wear. I might raid my wardrobe when my shift is over and try a few things on to see how I fit into them now. I'm thinking fishnets and boots, but I'm not so sure? I may post a few outfit ideas on here if I can muster up the energy later on. It's supposed to be THIRTY-SIX DEGREES at the weekend which is utterly bonkers! So hopefully whatever I do pull out of my wardrobe and settle upon wearing won't make me feel like a sweaty bog witch all day.... Strap yourself in, boys, we're in for a scorcher.

🌙🌟 

Current Music: My super amazing Spotify relax playlist that no one can ever be mad about. I am an expert playlist-er.

The Slump

So last night we did this thing through an app called Too Good To Go that basically allows you to buy "magic bags" from specific shops containing their leftover food that are listed as a set price, but you get a random assortment of products. We did it at our local Starbucks and it was actually really good - we got 2 cinnamon swirls, 3 meat free/vegan wraps/sandwiches and a yoghurt pot. I ended up eating an entire cinnamon swirl and now I feel ridiculously guilty about it. But c'est la vie......

Obviously this morning I weighed the same as yesterday morning (153.8), so today I'm going to try and eat less to compensate for it. My dad has also got covid, AGAIN, and yesterday he came over to see us so there's a chance that Rich and I could have it, too. I'm really hoping we don't as Rich has a ridiculously busy week this week and I've planned to go to York on Saturday to see a lovely friend of mine. So here's hoping nothing manifests within the next few days. 

I'm feeling a bit down today.. I'm not sure if I'm hormonal or what, but I'm feeling like I'm a bit sad with where I am in life. I know it's dumb and someday I'll inevitably look back on now and think "you absolute pudding, Belle" - But, meh. A youtuber I follow (Stephanie Lange) has announced her second pregnancy and she's this utterly beautiful vision of health; thin, curvy body, beautiful hair, radiant skin.... and I just feel like I just look haggard, sickly and gray, like a pile of old newspapers. I don't feel all the best lately though, as we know, so hopefully things will equalise as we enter into a more stable period.... whenever that may be. It would be impossible to forecast what will happen with the passage of time but we will see. We will always see, fingers crossed, grin and bear it, all that sort of thing. 

🌙🌟 

Current Music: This playlist as I drink iced coffee because it's still boiling and incredibly stuffy in here.

It's warm.

But I'm not mad about it. I did read earlier that technology has predicted that we might reach up to 40°C over the month of July (although I'm not sure how true that actually is) and the idea of that scares me. This country is not built to withstand temperatures as high as that - especially the houses we live in, hopefully energy costs will drop soon so that we can all sit by our fans all day..... But oh well. I can't see into the future so all I can do is focus on the here and now, and my here and now is rather comfortable. I'm sitting watching Bob's Burgers in my dressing gown on the sofa, Rich has gone to practice for the school musical he's taking part in over 4 days next week so it will just be me for the weekend. I don't mind that, though, I can take some time to sprawl out being lazy and not get dressed. Lazy days are pyjama days, without fail. 

I have some housework I need to do at some point: Mr Jeff's litter tray needs changing, I need to hoover and polish, take out the bins, that sort of thing. Nothing too strenuous, though. I can do all of that whilst I watch dreadful TV programmes (600lb Life, I'm looking at you) before I get a bath later on. I do need to get some more cucumber though, lately I've been having cucumber sticks with salt, pepper, garlic powder and Nando's lemon and herb sauce and honestly it is AMAZING. It's my new addiction, but I ran out of cucumber yesterday (the horror) so I will need to get some either today or tomorrow at the latest so I don't throw myself off. I'll see whether I can muster up the energy to walk to Co op later on, but it's no big deal if I decide to put it off until tomorrow. There are no rules for today. My hair also needs washing; I washed it for the first time since I had it dyed the other day and the colour faded quite a lot, I'm a little bit worried to wash it again because I don't want to lose more colour - but on the flipside, I wanted it more of a natural blonde rather than natural brown, so it might work out, maybe? Watch this space either way.

Oh, I was actually 152.8lbs this morning! I sort of don't trust it though because I didn't weigh myself immediately after I woke up like I usually do, but I'll take it, for now. Hopefully it won't bounce back up tomorrow and piss me off. 

Anyway. I'm off to be entirely lazy until I pull myself off the sofa to start my housework, whatever time that may be.....

🌙🌟 

 Current Music: Bob's Burgers. 

A Summer Evening

I didn't get the job.

It was bullshit, actually. Pure bullshit. I went into the interview wearing my best blazer, squeezed myself into my skirt and my new blouse and donned my shiny new cutesy bow jelly shoes. This was some peak normality Belle. But did I get it? Asbo-fucking-lutely not. 

Why? 

Because it's all fucking rigged that's why. The interview pitted me against another girl who was already working in a school, who may or may not already work in a school that was PART OF THE SAME ACADEMY TRUST (speculation, but y'know - raise ya eyebrow here), who in all honesty was a bit...... weird. She was an oversharer - you know those types who tell you their entire life story within 5 minutes of meeting them? Yeah, one of those. Now, I am no stranger to oversharing, but I do like to believe that I do it in a way that doesn't put people off. (Hopeful vibes here). More like the "loveable oversharer" who encourages other people to open up - if that doesn't make me sound entirely too conceited. Anyway. Within five minutes of gracing her presence I had learned that she was made redundant from her job of 5 years, her ex boyfriend left her and kicked her out the house, he took her cat, and, oh! She did an NVQ qualification in administration because she wanted to be an administrator. Oooooooookay then lovey. I don't want to be judgemental (except I do, because fuck you) but I honestly think people like that have nothing about them. No pizzazz. She actually ASPIRED to be an administrator. Who on earth actually wants to do that?! It's just not. It. 

But alas, I'm sure she's actually perfectly nice and blah blah blah whatever. But the point is, because she already had experience in a school, that meant that the feedback I was given was quite literally "we want you to know you couldn't have done anything better at all, we loved you and have absolutely nothing against you personally it's just that the othe- Another candidate had more experience than you". 

THIS IS LITERALLY THE THIRD INTERVIEW I HAVE HAD THIS YEAR THAT HAS PUT ME AS SECOND BEST AND HIRED SOMEONE ELSE. And the guy who was given the lovely task of delivering my bad news literally let slip that it was her that got the bloody job, since she was the candidate that was running against me, and he mistakenly said "other candidate" and then corrected himself to say "another". The fucking audacity.

But ugh, is that not enough to drive someone entirely bonkers?! I'm just utterly done being second best, I'm done with it. I've tried so hard all of my life, traipsed through awful situations, dragged myself away from dreadful people and pulled myself back up after being knocked down so many times as I am sure many others have, too. But when does it end? I honestly feel as though I have been cursed; someone has it out for me, it's a vendetta, I am being targetted etc. Yes, that is ludicrous I am fully aware - but who can blame me for feeling this way? I just want to catch a break, and I truly feel I am entitled to feel this way. I spent all of last night slumped over in an emotional haze because I just felt like that was it, what's the point in trying anymore? And what's worse, I had to actually physically go into the office today. It wasn't all that bad when I got there but I always feel even more exhausted when I have to go in because it's always so draining. That fake laughter, the involving yourself in other people's lives.... the fakeness. I'm tired of it. Perhaps that's part of adulthood, though. Learning to live through the fakery, but I for one know I will always struggle with coming to terms with that. I don't do well with dishonesty; if you lie to me, you can get in the fucking bin. I'd rather sit in silence than have interactions forced upon me. I have gone on a sort of verbal-detour here away from my main point but ugh. STOP IT, WORLD. JUST STOP IT, WILL YOU?? 

Bleh.

I am alone and my heart is sore because everything is always so dramatic and it makes me feel vulnerable and tender. I just want somebody to recognise what I'm worth professionally and see something in me, is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. And no, I don't have main character syndrome, (in fact I would go as far as saying I have completely the opposite of that) but if there's one thing I know I am good at, it's working. When you're The Good ChildTM you are taught always to emphatically do your best and not speak out and get good grades and you'll succeed in life. What a load of everloving bullshittery that is. If anyone ever tells you that do NOT listen. Live your life your own way, step out of line, ruffle a few feathers, cause a ruckus. It's just not worth it otherwise.  

Oh, some good news: I was 153.2lbs this morning. Not the best by miles but the best I have been thus far. Here's hoping tomorrow I will see 152.something and can at least feel good about that.

 🌙🌟

Current Music:  This shitty watermarked version of the music from Abroad in Japan's youtube videos on repeat because it's oddly catchy

The Brunette

So, first thing's first: 154.4.

I got down to 153.8 on Saturday morning but because I had some friends over on Saturday my good efforts were compromised - but at LEAST I'm still 154.4 this morning. I was expecting 156 again and I swear to god if that had happened I would have had some form of a breakdown. But. It didn't! I got my hair dyed on Saturday like I'd been wanting to for SO LONG. I'm brown again! Truthfully I feel my fringe area is a bit dark but it will fade, and after a few months have passed and some roots have grown in I am sure it will look much more natural. Here's hoping. I won't include a picture because I'm entirely way too fucking fat to do that so you're just gonna have to deal until I feel more like an actual human being instead of a walking blob. My hairdresser had to cut off around an inch and a half of hair as well which makes me feel very sad but it will grow back. I feel a little bit nakey though with it gone... My hair is my security blanket and even with it being only marginally shorter I'm still feeling the difference. Give me a few months and all will be well. 

What else. Oh! I have an interview with the School! In all honestly it's a little bit scary, though. I've been feeling conflicted because the wage for it is so much less than I'm on now, but I am truly miserable where I am now so it's just a matter of weighing up positives and negatives. I've concluded that the only negative (thus far, of course) is the wage, whereas my current position has a whole bloody boatload of negativity..... 

My interview will take place on Thursday at 11:15, so I've booked the day off with work and I had to do the very dreadful thing of plucking up the courage to tell my manager that I'd like the day off to attend an interview. She was super lovely about it which made me feel rather guilty if I'm honest. But if you feel you aren't progressing in your role, what else is there to do? So I'll be there at 11:15 on Thursday, I've bought myself a new adorable blouse from Hell Bunny to wear, some cute little jelly dolly shoes with bows on the front (as all my other cute shoes have been lost in various moves and/or fallen to bits), and I THINK I'm going to wear my blazer so that I can try and make a good impression. I may be ever so slightly overdressed, but better to be overdressed than under, right? 

But... I am conflicted. In truth I don't know how I will feel until proabably when I get there and things will reveal themselves over the course of the interview. There's going to be a student tour where one (or more) of the children will show me the school, which is a rather adorable idea. Rich has told me that that happens when you're interviewed for a teaching position, so it makes sense all staff must do the same. My dad is also going to come and have a talk with me before I attend the interview to go over some pointers as he used to be a teacher before he retired. I have all this support, but I'm still feeling as though I don't know which direction to take. I really do hate how difficult things ALWAYS are. Please can I catch a break?! Rich and I went for a walk at Longshaw yesterday and talked things over, he was a little upset because of our financial situation but I don't think there's much else we can to do alleviate it. We just need to get ourselves to the end of September when we both should have an income and things should be easier. But the world is so cruel and unforgiving - It really does feel as though this country especially places such great focus on the already rich and provides little to no help for those who struggle. It just makes me feel so disappointed that we've ended up living in a country that's so unfeeling. Fend for yourself, "just stop buying so many lattes and avocado toast and you'll be fine". This narrative needs to die. 

Excuse me while I go and escape into the woods in attempt an to leave all this stress behind me...

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Two Waves - Holy Fawn.