Oh, to begin my posts with negativity.... At least that part never changes.
So basically my whole life is a girnormous sob-story at this point. It is 2022. TWENTY TWENTY-TWO. Covid is still here among us; it is still rife with infectiousness however we have reached the point where society is now saying "....nah".
The restrictions have been lifted, the guidance to social distance is no longer being adhered to, and sometimes it feels as though I am screaming into the void because I'm the only one who still believes that there is legitimate danger out there.
But I have got a job, now, I work for a company as a Financial Administrator. It sounds incredibly "swish", but it is not - and of course as most offices do, mine comes with an absolute boat-load of drama. I am honestly SICK of the drama. I am currently working from home because of the virus but as I mentioned above, my time at home is now ticking away and I believe I will be asked to go into the office very soon. Working at home has made me realise how important working at home actually is to me.
I think it's because I got diagnosed with Long Covid. What that means however, I do not clearly know... But I do know that my health generally sucks lately. I struggle to do things that exhert a lot of energy, like y'know, TRAVELLING TO WORK, and I am so positively and utterly exhausted by the time I return home I have to go to bed around 8:30. Those that know me know that this is not right at all. So here I am, furiously applying to remote working jobs, as one of the benefits of lockdown made some companies realise that people actually don't want to get on dreadful public transport or sit in their awful hot cars stuck in traffic every day twice a day. Which means that you can actually search for vacancies that are classed as remote and working from home is somewhat normal now in some regards. This bodes well for me! Wish me luck that I will find something fully remote, please?
I have also put on an incredible amout of weight, I am now my highest weight EVER but the really bizarre thing is that I have just stopped caring about it. It feels as though all I can focus on is the every-day; it's extremely hard for me to make decisions that will benefit my future happiness (like stopping myelf being a fat shit, for example), and all I seem to be able to do is focus on what washing needs to be done or whether I've hoovered the floor. I struggle to give enough attention to myself and I have been over this a hundred or more times trying to fathom just why I am this way.
I believe that the reason why I find things so difficult is because I am being forced to live in a "early-riser" world - I am MUCH more spritely when I can go to bed late and wake up late. It just suits me better. But for some reason all of that seems to be actively abhorred, and we must all drag ourselves out of bed before the first sliver of daylight has even made itsef known in the sky and force ourselves to go to tHe OfFiCe. Ugh. But anyway. No more of this! I will find a remote working job that offers me the stability of working in an environment that doesn't make me want to take a walk into the ocean and can actually focus on feeling better. Sometimes I wonder whether I should go to the doctors and speak to them about my health and my mood... But I'm not sure it would get me anywhere. I don't feel depressed in the same way I felt depressed when I was actively suffering with depression, instead I just feel general malaise alongside low mood. I don't want to cry all the time but I can't really cry anyway, y'know? Either way this feeling now scares me more than how I have felt previously because it's strange, it's different...... I just don't feel like me. I don't like it. But what to do?
I don't think it helps how disgusting people are these days. I sound entirely old-lady-ish when I say this but the advent of the pandemic has unearthed just how truly awful people actually are. They are selfish, abrasive and rotten to their very cores. Honestly, I don't know what's happened to everybody but people seem to have lost their sense of decency, they are only thinking about themselves and what they can gain. Pure greed. We have anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers and normal people who you thought were entirely normal but actually are not normal whatsoever roaming around the streets.. They shout, pout and scream, they force their opinion on you when you never even asked. They are spoilt, entitled and brattish and it's making me feel like I've lost faith in humanity just a little bit. It is not about YOU. It is about US! We should be uniting through this, actively fighting for change, doing the right thing and changing the way that we live. But nope! We can't change that, can we. Oh, the old ways worked so well before.....!
No. They did not. And that's why there are people like me who can't stand being around society any more and want to hermit away and work from home. Inflation is sky-high and ever-increasing, wages are stagnant, people are repugnant and now my clothes don't even fit anymore. What is there out there that's worth stepping out of the front door for?
Maybe I've lost my ability to be positive but as it stands at this moment I feel like all the points I have raised are entirely realist and not just negative. Reality IS negative right now whichever way you turn, and it makes me incredibly sad.
Please can someone send some good luck and motivation my way? Please?
🌙🌟
Current Music: My 600lb Life on TV because I am depressed and it soothes my soul somehow ok.
