A Summer Evening

I didn't get the job.

It was bullshit, actually. Pure bullshit. I went into the interview wearing my best blazer, squeezed myself into my skirt and my new blouse and donned my shiny new cutesy bow jelly shoes. This was some peak normality Belle. But did I get it? Asbo-fucking-lutely not. 

Why? 

Because it's all fucking rigged that's why. The interview pitted me against another girl who was already working in a school, who may or may not already work in a school that was PART OF THE SAME ACADEMY TRUST (speculation, but y'know - raise ya eyebrow here), who in all honesty was a bit...... weird. She was an oversharer - you know those types who tell you their entire life story within 5 minutes of meeting them? Yeah, one of those. Now, I am no stranger to oversharing, but I do like to believe that I do it in a way that doesn't put people off. (Hopeful vibes here). More like the "loveable oversharer" who encourages other people to open up - if that doesn't make me sound entirely too conceited. Anyway. Within five minutes of gracing her presence I had learned that she was made redundant from her job of 5 years, her ex boyfriend left her and kicked her out the house, he took her cat, and, oh! She did an NVQ qualification in administration because she wanted to be an administrator. Oooooooookay then lovey. I don't want to be judgemental (except I do, because fuck you) but I honestly think people like that have nothing about them. No pizzazz. She actually ASPIRED to be an administrator. Who on earth actually wants to do that?! It's just not. It. 

But alas, I'm sure she's actually perfectly nice and blah blah blah whatever. But the point is, because she already had experience in a school, that meant that the feedback I was given was quite literally "we want you to know you couldn't have done anything better at all, we loved you and have absolutely nothing against you personally it's just that the othe- Another candidate had more experience than you". 

THIS IS LITERALLY THE THIRD INTERVIEW I HAVE HAD THIS YEAR THAT HAS PUT ME AS SECOND BEST AND HIRED SOMEONE ELSE. And the guy who was given the lovely task of delivering my bad news literally let slip that it was her that got the bloody job, since she was the candidate that was running against me, and he mistakenly said "other candidate" and then corrected himself to say "another". The fucking audacity.

But ugh, is that not enough to drive someone entirely bonkers?! I'm just utterly done being second best, I'm done with it. I've tried so hard all of my life, traipsed through awful situations, dragged myself away from dreadful people and pulled myself back up after being knocked down so many times as I am sure many others have, too. But when does it end? I honestly feel as though I have been cursed; someone has it out for me, it's a vendetta, I am being targetted etc. Yes, that is ludicrous I am fully aware - but who can blame me for feeling this way? I just want to catch a break, and I truly feel I am entitled to feel this way. I spent all of last night slumped over in an emotional haze because I just felt like that was it, what's the point in trying anymore? And what's worse, I had to actually physically go into the office today. It wasn't all that bad when I got there but I always feel even more exhausted when I have to go in because it's always so draining. That fake laughter, the involving yourself in other people's lives.... the fakeness. I'm tired of it. Perhaps that's part of adulthood, though. Learning to live through the fakery, but I for one know I will always struggle with coming to terms with that. I don't do well with dishonesty; if you lie to me, you can get in the fucking bin. I'd rather sit in silence than have interactions forced upon me. I have gone on a sort of verbal-detour here away from my main point but ugh. STOP IT, WORLD. JUST STOP IT, WILL YOU?? 

Bleh.

I am alone and my heart is sore because everything is always so dramatic and it makes me feel vulnerable and tender. I just want somebody to recognise what I'm worth professionally and see something in me, is that too much to ask? Maybe it is. And no, I don't have main character syndrome, (in fact I would go as far as saying I have completely the opposite of that) but if there's one thing I know I am good at, it's working. When you're The Good ChildTM you are taught always to emphatically do your best and not speak out and get good grades and you'll succeed in life. What a load of everloving bullshittery that is. If anyone ever tells you that do NOT listen. Live your life your own way, step out of line, ruffle a few feathers, cause a ruckus. It's just not worth it otherwise.  

Oh, some good news: I was 153.2lbs this morning. Not the best by miles but the best I have been thus far. Here's hoping tomorrow I will see 152.something and can at least feel good about that.

 🌙🌟

Current Music:  This shitty watermarked version of the music from Abroad in Japan's youtube videos on repeat because it's oddly catchy