In Which: We are approaching the weekend but I still hate myself lol.

156.0lbs today. UGH. 

Last night I tried on some old jeans of mine from 2020 that are that super ripped up cool-punky-skinny type and I couldn't even FATHOM how much I struggled to get them past my arse 😭. I honestly don't understand how I've managed to put on so much weight in such a short amount of time, I could fit in them in spring 2021..... 

There was honestly about a 5 inch gap between the button and the button hole. I hate this. HATE THIS. I hate that my weight has been crazy this week as well, this time last week I was 154.8lbs so I've basically put over a pound on this week somehow. I'm trying to think, though, that every time I try on clothes that don't fit they are just motivation pictures:

September 2020

June 2022

In about a year and a half I've gone from the picture above to the picture below. It's disgusting, it makes me want to be sick! But I'm trying, and I HAVE lost SOME weight according to My Fitness Pal, but clearly not nearly enough. I've decided I'm going to try and have a better action plan and incorporate more exercise into my week, so I've set a reminder on my phone for 5pm each day for me to get on the exercise bike after I finish work for 30 minutes. That shouldn't be too hard. All I need to do is stick to my calories, try and get more exercise and eat a bit more mindfully (which I have been doing). Ideally I'd like to look better than the picture of me from September 2020 so that I can know that I've kicked my own ass. Achievable, right? 

I've made some coffee because that's "bowel friendly" in the sense that it should get things moving lmao. I've also changed my weigh in day from a Saturday to a Sunday because I've noticed I'm getting too fucking cheeky and going "I've gone down now, fuck it, let's eat ALL the things for the rest of the weekend" and that is a terrible, terrible idea. So no more of that. EXERCISE AND STICKING TO MY DEFICIT. COME ONNNNNNNN. Pray for me the scales move back down tomorrow, please. PRAY FOR ME. 

 🌙🌟

P.S. Still nothing back from my application, but the deadline isn't until 27th June, so I have to hang on a little longer still...

Current Music: Omit - Grivo/The coffee machine bubbling away behind me 

Thursday Mourning

155.2lbs today. But I suppose I haven't been sticking to my calorie deficit all that well lately.... I've just been so tired. I went to the dentist on Tuesday and had a filling in my tooth that lasted about an hour long, they pull and tug and your jaw so much that it's Thursday morning and my mouth STILL hurts to open it. Yesterday when I finished I felt like the living dead, I spent most of the evening slumped over the sofa until I dragged myself into a the bath. I am just. So. Tired. 

We've been spending a lot of time lately watching a programme about life at secondary school, there's a series by Channel 4 that begun as Educating Yorkshire, but has had various other spin offs. Educating Yorkshire has been such a lovely show to watch, children can be utterly hilarious and heart warming.

Which leads me on to my latest job application. After continous "No"s, I decided to apply for a reception/administrator role at a school nearby me. The wage is far, far less than I'm on currently but I honestly do not care. I need a job that will be rewarding and make me feel valued for my contribution, and this job sure fire ain't it son. So I have applied. School applications are SO LONG

They literally require an essay on why you'd like to work at the school in order to be considered. So I spent the last day or so combing through my application to be sure I'd done it right, I also spoke with a man at the school regarding the role who was super fucking lovely and it honestly sounds like the right move for me. I just hope that I get asked to go for an interview. My track record for that has been dreadful lately, but I'm hoping the effort I put into applying will help put me in good stead. I'm qualified more than anyone else for the role, I adore children and I try so hard in my work. PICK ME, GOD DAMMMIT.

Maybe next time I post I'll have some news......

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Drift - Slow Crush/The tippy-tapping noise my fingers make on the keyboard...

A Sad Cartoon.

So I was 154.8lbs this morning. It’s movement, right? Still disgusting, though. Complete and utter vomit. 

I went into my office today for the first time in six months and it was horrible. I really feel like I’m just a number, I’m not a person with valuable skills - I’m just worth the daily tasks I complete. And what’s worse is they’re making me go back in on a “phased return” once a week, every friday, starting 1st July. I honestly would rather take a long walk into the ocean than do that. Being in the office around all the small-talk and idle time filling chit-chat made me realise how much I absolutely cannot stand work culture. I work so much better at home. Why can’t I be trusted? 

I’m worried about commuting, too. The “once a week” thing will be reviewed in August sometime and I fully expect to be told I have to return to working in the office full-time. I’m worried I’ll be far too tired to commute every day to mooch around the office and bleed all my energy into making money for someone else. I don’t want this life. 

I don’t want it. 

 🌙🌟

P.S. I saw a post on Reddit earlier that I could basically have written: 

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Current Music: Bob’s Burgers. God I love this show.

Update II

 So I... sort of... managed it....? 

I got to about 8:30pm and begun to feel really weak so I decided I had to eat something. I ended up with rice, cheese, some quorn picnic eggs and some chocolate. I had about 1021 calories which isn't amazing but eh - it's not bad. Today I'm going to try again, I started my fasting app up again after I ate last night and I'm going to see how far I can get with it.

I weighed 156.4lbs today. Which is absolutely fucking DIS-GUS-TING but it's much better than I was before (168lbs, EURGH). So my weight is going down. This makes me happy. 

I'm not sure what we will eat for dinner tonight as it's the last day my boyfriend will work at his current school (where he's been training for his teaching qualification) and I think emotions are running a little high. Bless him. He has worked SO HARD and I'm so proud of him.

I just wish I could stop feeling sorry for myself. I feel like whenever I start talking about anything on here I always revert back to the "woe is me" mantra but honestly this is my journal so I do what I want haha. 

Mr Jeff is behind me munching on his food - we got him a little ball that holds his kibble so he has to move it around to release some to stop him grazing all day. I think it's been working, he has to lose a bit more weight I think but he's a good boy. I love him. 

I'm not sure if I even mentioned that we moved again, did I? Yeah we moved out from the icky basement flat - I know I said previously it was cute, which it was, until Linda the Landlady came back and then it became really un-fucking-tolerable really fucking quick. The Others that lived above were SOO NOISY, the floorboards creaked us awake every single morning and the flat was just mouldy and poorly ventilated and shit. It was a good start for us because we needed it, but it definitely got old really fast and we outgrew it super quickly. 

So we're in Chapeltown, now, near my Dad, and it's MUCH better here. We're in a second floor flat so we actually have light! And windows! AND DOORS! I've never been so excited to have windows and doors before lmao. The basement flat was stifling us. This place is small but it does its best for us for now. Eventually we'll have to move, but we plan on hopefully getting a mortgage when we do move so that we can have a house of our own. We have big dreams of weddings, houses, children... but we can't afford any of it right now so those plans will have to have a pin in them for now. I'm just happy I've found my person in Rich. He's honestly the best I've ever had. We work so well together, he's just warm and loving and lovely. He's actually calling me right now, haha. 

Anyway. My weight is on the way down, which is good, I'm going to keep looking for jobs, which is good (ish) so we'll see where I end up.

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Vespertine - Holy Fawn (We've got the ambient nostalgia goth going on).

Update.

I came back. Much like yesterday, I am in the bath again…. 

But I feel that this is the best place for me. I’ve actually stuck to my fast for once, it’s 5:46pm and I haven’t eaten anything. I’ve had one of those instant cinnamon bun lattes and some black coffee but I haven’t actually eaten anything yet. Go me! I’m not sure if I’ll last the night, but here’s hoping…

Back under I go again….

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Banshee - Loathe 🖤

At what point does it become sad…

That your own blog posts start to speak to you?

Here I am sitting in the bath, feeling depressed, again. It’s almost humorous that writing a journal entry to me has now become a cathartic process of unburdening. 

In reference to my previous post: I am STILL trying to find a new job. IT HAS BEEN SIX MONTHS OF SEARCHING SO FAR. It’s almost impossible of late; there’s a part of me that feels like there is some kind of cosmic intervention going on - someone up there is interjecting my efforts because I am “not ready” or some bullshit. Well I AM ready. You hear me?

I’ve also been dieting for… (I’ll check…) 35 days now. Which is a positive step, but I’ve had a few days where I’ve fallen off the wagon as per. Of course I’m expected to do that, I mean - it’s me lmao. This is what I DO. But apparently I’ve lost 10lbs since my highest weight in april but I honestly truthfully cannot see any ounce of difference. I was just sitting on the sofa whilst my boyfriend was in the bath, listening to Loathe to soothe myself and an idea hit me: I need to fast. I think because I struggle with overindulgence over the weekend I need to try to fast at the beginning of the week to make up for it. My body has been used to be skipping meals before, so I think for one day I should be fine. Right? 

I’ll check back tomorrow - or maybe I won’t? I don’t know, who cares, actually. I’ll be around. 

I think I need to commit to this new plan of action. I have to lose this weight and stop feeling like I’m spinning out of control. I need to take all of these little positive steps and move forward in the right direction so I can nurse myself back into good mental health again. 

I’ve booked an appointment with the hairdresser on 2nd July to dye my hair back to my natural colour (or as near to it as possible) because in 2021 I went back to bright but I can’t mentally deal with dyeing my roots so much right now. Small steps towards release. 

I WILL DO THIS, Belle. I’ll do it for you. 

Edit: I’m back. I’m back because I’ve realised how ridiculous it is to tie even an inch of self-worth into a job role. It is not a career! How idiotic to place so much energy into something that does nothing but inspire complete and utter misery. I am worth so much more.

Even if that means I need to switch things up entirely and go back to full time at Starbucks then why not just do it? Jobs are not permanent, it is entirely OK to leave and go elsewhere if it will help obtain some level of solace. I’ll keep looking and applying. My boyfriend has finally found a job of his own so the financial responsibility that rests on my shoulders will ease come September, so realistically, I only have 2-3 months until we’ll have his income to help us. That is not a long time. Part of me wants to just hand my notice in even though I don’t have another job to go to but I know that just isn’t the right move just yet. Things are unbearable for me right now but I’ll forever keep trying. Forever. 

Then, when we’re settled and I’m less mental-illness-y, we’re going to try for a baby. I hope the universe shines some positive light on me so I can start my life and my family properly. I will love myself just as much as I’ll love my future. 

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Theme - Loathe. 🖤