At what point does it become sad…

That your own blog posts start to speak to you?

Here I am sitting in the bath, feeling depressed, again. It’s almost humorous that writing a journal entry to me has now become a cathartic process of unburdening. 

In reference to my previous post: I am STILL trying to find a new job. IT HAS BEEN SIX MONTHS OF SEARCHING SO FAR. It’s almost impossible of late; there’s a part of me that feels like there is some kind of cosmic intervention going on - someone up there is interjecting my efforts because I am “not ready” or some bullshit. Well I AM ready. You hear me?

I’ve also been dieting for… (I’ll check…) 35 days now. Which is a positive step, but I’ve had a few days where I’ve fallen off the wagon as per. Of course I’m expected to do that, I mean - it’s me lmao. This is what I DO. But apparently I’ve lost 10lbs since my highest weight in april but I honestly truthfully cannot see any ounce of difference. I was just sitting on the sofa whilst my boyfriend was in the bath, listening to Loathe to soothe myself and an idea hit me: I need to fast. I think because I struggle with overindulgence over the weekend I need to try to fast at the beginning of the week to make up for it. My body has been used to be skipping meals before, so I think for one day I should be fine. Right? 

I’ll check back tomorrow - or maybe I won’t? I don’t know, who cares, actually. I’ll be around. 

I think I need to commit to this new plan of action. I have to lose this weight and stop feeling like I’m spinning out of control. I need to take all of these little positive steps and move forward in the right direction so I can nurse myself back into good mental health again. 

I’ve booked an appointment with the hairdresser on 2nd July to dye my hair back to my natural colour (or as near to it as possible) because in 2021 I went back to bright but I can’t mentally deal with dyeing my roots so much right now. Small steps towards release. 

I WILL DO THIS, Belle. I’ll do it for you. 

Edit: I’m back. I’m back because I’ve realised how ridiculous it is to tie even an inch of self-worth into a job role. It is not a career! How idiotic to place so much energy into something that does nothing but inspire complete and utter misery. I am worth so much more.

Even if that means I need to switch things up entirely and go back to full time at Starbucks then why not just do it? Jobs are not permanent, it is entirely OK to leave and go elsewhere if it will help obtain some level of solace. I’ll keep looking and applying. My boyfriend has finally found a job of his own so the financial responsibility that rests on my shoulders will ease come September, so realistically, I only have 2-3 months until we’ll have his income to help us. That is not a long time. Part of me wants to just hand my notice in even though I don’t have another job to go to but I know that just isn’t the right move just yet. Things are unbearable for me right now but I’ll forever keep trying. Forever. 

Then, when we’re settled and I’m less mental-illness-y, we’re going to try for a baby. I hope the universe shines some positive light on me so I can start my life and my family properly. I will love myself just as much as I’ll love my future. 

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Theme - Loathe. 🖤