In Which: I have failed. Again.

Oh, to begin my posts with negativity.... At least that part never changes.

So basically my whole life is a girnormous sob-story at this point. It is 2022. TWENTY TWENTY-TWO. Covid is still here among us; it is still rife with infectiousness however we have reached the point where society is now saying "....nah". 

The restrictions have been lifted, the guidance to social distance is no longer being adhered to, and sometimes it feels as though I am screaming into the void because I'm the only one who still believes that there is legitimate danger out there. 

But I have got a job, now, I work for a company as a Financial Administrator. It sounds incredibly "swish", but it is not - and of course as most offices do, mine comes with an absolute boat-load of drama. I am honestly SICK of the drama. I am currently working from home because of the virus but as I mentioned above, my time at home is now ticking away and I believe I will be asked to go into the office very soon. Working at home has made me realise how important working at home actually is to me. 

I think it's because I got diagnosed with Long Covid. What that means however, I do not clearly know... But I do know that my health generally sucks lately. I struggle to do things that exhert a lot of energy, like y'know, TRAVELLING TO WORK, and I am so positively and utterly exhausted by the time I return home I have to go to bed around 8:30. Those that know me know that this is not right at all. So here I am, furiously applying to remote working jobs, as one of the benefits of lockdown made some companies realise that people actually don't want to get on dreadful public transport or sit in their awful hot cars stuck in traffic every day twice a day. Which means that you can actually search for vacancies that are classed as remote and working from home is somewhat normal now in some regards. This bodes well for me! Wish me luck that I will find something fully remote, please?

I have also put on an incredible amout of weight, I am now my highest weight EVER but the really bizarre thing is that I have just stopped caring about it. It feels as though all I can focus on is the every-day; it's extremely hard for me to make decisions that will benefit my future happiness (like stopping myelf being a fat shit, for example), and all I seem to be able to do is focus on what washing needs to be done or whether I've hoovered the floor. I struggle to give enough attention to myself and I have been over this a hundred or more times trying to fathom just why I am this way. 

I believe that the reason why I find things so difficult is because I am being forced to live in a "early-riser" world - I am MUCH more spritely when I can go to bed late and wake up late. It just suits me better. But for some reason all of that seems to be actively abhorred, and we must all drag ourselves out of bed before the first sliver of daylight has even made itsef known in the sky and force ourselves to go to tHe OfFiCe. Ugh. But anyway. No more of this! I will find a remote working job that offers me the stability of working in an environment that doesn't make me want to take a walk into the ocean and can actually focus on feeling better. Sometimes I wonder whether I should go to the doctors and speak to them about my health and my mood... But I'm not sure it would get me anywhere. I don't feel depressed in the same way I felt depressed when I was actively suffering with depression, instead I just feel general malaise alongside low mood. I don't want to cry all the time but I can't really cry anyway, y'know? Either way this feeling now scares me more than how I have felt previously because it's strange, it's different...... I just don't feel like me. I don't like it. But what to do?  

I don't think it helps how disgusting people are these days. I sound entirely old-lady-ish when I say this but the advent of the pandemic has unearthed just how truly awful people actually are. They are selfish, abrasive and rotten to their very cores. Honestly, I don't know what's happened to everybody but people seem to have lost their sense of decency, they are only thinking about themselves and what they can gain. Pure greed. We have anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers and normal people who you thought were entirely normal but actually are not normal whatsoever roaming around the streets.. They shout, pout and scream, they force their opinion on you when you never even asked. They are spoilt, entitled and brattish and it's making me feel like I've lost faith in humanity just a little bit. It is not about YOU. It is about US! We should be uniting through this, actively fighting for change, doing the right thing and changing the way that we live. But nope! We can't change that, can we. Oh, the old ways worked so well before.....! 

No. They did not. And that's why there are people like me who can't stand being around society any more and want to hermit away and work from home. Inflation is sky-high and ever-increasing, wages are stagnant, people are repugnant and now my clothes don't even fit anymore. What is there out there that's worth stepping out of the front door for? 

Maybe I've lost my ability to be positive but as it stands at this moment I feel like all the points I have raised are entirely realist and not just negative. Reality IS negative right now whichever way you turn, and it makes me incredibly sad. 

Please can someone send some good luck and motivation my way? Please? 

 🌙🌟

Current Music: My 600lb Life on TV because I am depressed and it soothes my soul somehow ok.

Oh Lord give me strength...

4:26am. 

4:26....am. 

So, let me update you: Since I last wrote, an inordinate amount of stuff has happened. The most notable being I MOVED OUT OF MY DAD’S AND IN WITH MY BOYFRIEND! (Cue shock and/or horror). 

I now live in the cutest little basement flat, surrounded by copious guitars and spooky and kooky trinkets. I have the most adorable little fluffster cat called Mr. Jeff (yes, he is a Sir) who is an absolute DARLING - he’s the biggest snugglepuss in the universe, and although we have had him only 3 days, he has settled in incredibly well. I bloody love him. I also dyed my hair red/pink again in true Belle fashion but it is fairly dark as I have not bleached it yet, but I probably absolutely will, it’s only a matter of time.... Photos of that to come later, I suppose.

(Basement flat)

(The Fluffster: Mr Jeff.) 

But the real reason I’m back here again is because I have put on SOOOO MUCH WEIGHT I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING. It’s actually absurd; you’d think at almost thirty-one I’d have kicked this fecking habit of ruining myself with food but noooo. Here she comes to wreck the day. So I’m doing it again, throwing myself in to the world of diets because I have to or I’ll lose my fucking mind. Yesterday I set a crap ton of reminders on my phone that will basically go off later today to remind me to stop being a bloated fat piece of shit basically, haha. It’s insanity, though, that I do this ALL THE FECKING TIME. 

In 2020 I was actually a weight I didn’t mind: I wasn’t my thinnest, but I wasn’t by any means fat, either. So I’m planning to get back to that realm of the goal, before I try and lose a bit extra on top of that. That was about...123lbs, ish? Right now I can almost guarantee that I am over 140lbs (AGAIN, fuck). I will update my true weight tomorrow when I wake up... Or today, as it’s now 4:37am. My alarm is due to go off at 6am because the boy will get up for work and I have to help shove some toast into him and bundle him out of the door in time for his bus because we haven’t got a car. Then I’ll take myself back off and bundle up in bed until 8:30 when my actual alarm goes off - I’ve got it all planned out, y’know. 

(I will get back to somewhere in the realm of here and then try and shave off a few more extra pounds. Probably means essentially starving but I literally don’t care.)

This week I’m gonna try and get into the habit of waking up at 8:30am and falling out of bed into the shower as I’ve been feeling so lacklustre as of late, getting to about 2 or 3pm and thinking “ugh, I don’t even want to get dressed”. Which cannot go on. So I have resolved to go down the rabbit hole and fix this from the morning.

Bleh. Wish me luck?  

<3

P.S. I made my wallet cry and bought some clothes from Killstar as thinspo because WHEN I lose weight I will look so incredibly badass and make summer my bitch:

Hopefully the image isn’t too teeny-weeny to see. I’m gonna go for a walk later today because I want to do this whole 30 Day Walking Challenge thing for this month’s edition of “how many things can I fail at this time”. Hahahaha, kill me.

 🌙🌟

Current Music: No music. Just the deafening sound of my failure fml.

PANCAKES!

 

In which: I am suffering with the icky goth disease!

Eeruugughhf. 

SO. Covid has very rudely invaded my house. 

My Dad and I had to do home tests recently - his came back positive, and mine came back negative. But the really bizarre nonsensical thing is that both of us have the exact same symptoms, and not only that, I am considerably WORSE than he is. So I’m not sure if that means that I was negative when I did my test and I’m positive now... or, what. Ugh.

The silver lining here is that it’s actually not all that bad. Honestly I just feel as though I have a mild cold, and if covid wasn’t a thing, I wouldn’t even address my symptoms and would be getting on with my merry little life. It’s just so odd, though, this whole covid lark. But I’ve said that before. So here I am, adorned in my pink dressing gown that I’ve had since I was fourteen, snuggled up on the sofa watching those utterly dreadful TV shows that I like. 

OH. I’m also obsessed with these boots lately - I mean I have gone FULL JEN:

Ugh. They’re beautiful. 

I’ve gone a bit mental about them and keep just opening up the web page and drooling over them like a full-blown boot-psycho. But, but, but! BOOTS!! 

(I mean let’s be honest, here, I’m probably going to give in and buy them). They’re over 5 inches (lol) high though..... is that too much?

Mehh I dunno. I will sit here and continue to be all heart-eyed over these all day like I’ve done for like a week already. Boooooooots. Right, I'm off to go and make pancakes and nutella in order to perk myself up from the icky goth disease. Pancakes fix everything. These are facts. 

Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 🌙🌟

Current music: Can't Pay We'll Take It Away on the tellybox

And if my luck don't last too long, or if my life gets worse...

I'll be back for another song
A blessing or a curse
And I'll never ask for refunds 
'Cause I know you're not to blame
Take more blood, more hair, more money
I'll do anything to claim
A little second hand faith 

When did it stop being acceptable to write ridiculously overdramatic lyrics in cryptic hint to our emotions? I'd like to bring it back. 

Tomorrow I have to go and do a "thing", and it is a "thing" that I really do not want to do if I'm entirely honest with myself. So here I sit, attempting to distract myself by blasting music into my ears - no change there, then. I've fallen back into Emilie Autumn during stressful situations lately; maybe this is because the years wherein I lived and breathed her music were entirely badass and I was somewhat virtually impervious to whatever negativity came my way. Oh what a wondrous way to exist. 

I need to learn to live like that again. I do. It will happen. I've tapped into it more as of late than I ever have in the last five years or so but I do have a lot of progress that I need to make. But suck it up, that's life yo. Sometimes I wonder whether adulthood has fucked me over more than I realise but actually, I'm not doing all that badly, am I? So let's praise that, at least. And also, I'm just beginning to realise that actually there are no age constraints upon trivial things that we love, like hair, clothes, colours, decor... these do not have age constraints, only social constraints. And these are the sorts of constraints where we must learn to yell "FUCK YOU" and go forth to please ourselves, because pleasing ourselves is a dreadfully important thing to do. And most importantly, it is not SELFISH TO PLEASE OURSELVES, IT IS OUR RIGHT. (Capital letters indicate seriousness). 

Anyway. After I've done "the thing", I'm hoping that I'll be able to relax somewhat, and focus on actually living for once in my life. Let's tap into all the weird and wonderful and actually unapologetically enjoy living. Huh. Wouldn't that be a funny old thing?

 🌙🌟

Current Music: Second Hand Faith - Emilie Autumn

In Which: My commitment is fleeting

....Surprise! 

*eyeroll*

And so I embarked upon this journey in which I intended to pen a wonderfully creative account of my experiences during the great isolation of 2020, but........ That didn't quite happen, did it. 

Let's be honest, here. Over the years - particularly those experienced throughout my twenties - I have made numerous attempts at starting and restarting various online journals. But somehow I never manage to stick to them. Inspiration strikes, as it has done tonight, and I find myself sitting before whatever technological device it may be (Note: Right now, it's a laptop), creativity flowing through my fingertips like it used to do in times past...... yet it always seems to fade away. Creativity is not as frequent as it once was, it can lay dormant for years, and upon such rare occasions as these it emerges in an explosion of nonsensical word-vomit. Just. Like. This.

So what - I wonder - helps one to tap into such creativity on a regular basis? Or are these the struggles we face once we become fully-fledged adults? A chaotic assortment of sporadic thoughts and feelings...

I'm rambling, but I don't care. 

The Shitshow (TM) is very much still a thing. I had my heart broken many times this year, but I am still fucking going. And now, thankfully, I have found someone special to help me rebuild... but there are still parts that I am desperately trying to fix. Skeletons that always emerge from deep within my thought-closet. I feel as though I am so close, yet so far away. Do you ever get that feeling where it's like something is almost within your grasp but not quite... slipping away from your fingertips? Well, that's me. Constantly grasping at straws. But I'm okay, I always was and always will be. Count on that. 

But there are times where I feel thoroughly contemplative about "life" and what I should do about mine....... The answer, of course, is to make myself happy. 

Easy, right.......?

So, me, what makes YOU happy? 
O.K. Let me think about this.
.....I think, no matter how superfical it may be, my appearance makes me happy. And when my appearance does not line up with what I hold in my mind's-eye, THAT's where shit gets fucked up. That's where the meltdowns all emerge from. It's almost like I get a sense of imposter syndrome when I don't feel I match my ideal perception of myself. Now, some may say that's 1) normal, and 2) psychotic.... (but you can't spell "psychotic" without "hot" HUUURRRR) but it's honestly how I truly feel. 

Ehh...... I'll let you know if I figure anything out. It's 12:08am right now and I'm feeling a bit deflated. The best medicine I can suggest to myself in order to remedy this feeling of guilt and shame and whatever is to cosy up in my pyjamas, snuggle down, and watch Friends. 

🌙🌟

Edit: 1:51am now. Classic Belle: I’m still sitting here dressed in my fishnets, makeup still upon my face, thoughts still whirring. Oh you will never learn....

Current Music: Delusion - Currents

The Isolation Adventures: Day 6?.....7?.....9....? Fuck it, I don't know anymore.

Didn't take long for me to lose count, did it?

Aaaaaand today, on "Isolation Madness: How Long Until YOU Lose Your Shit?" I embark upon the dubious task of writing an oh-so-necessary journal entry that describes absolutely nothing of worth! Fantastic! (Eyeroll emoji here).

Today was one of those days wherein I managed to escape the walls of my temporary home, and ventured out into the real world (Cue: shock and/or horror). Yey me!
In all seriousness, though, it was really lovely, actually. When you're forced to stay home it becomes incredibly stale incredibly quickly, and when paired with the requirement to sit with a hot laptop on your lap all day working ("working") away, it's a one-way ticket to loonysville, baby. So it was nice to actually get some fresh air into my lungs and play pretend like everything is normal. Normal. Normal.......... What's that?
So, off I went, strapped into my boots, and set out into the world to try to get some exercise because I've been feeling like my body is going to assume the form of a potato before long, if I don't start using my muscles soon even just a tiny bit. That's one markedly bad thing about sitting on your arse all day, you start flattening it out, and nobody wants that.

Unfortunately I have been out of the game somewhat regarding the internet-based-funzies, as I had to succumb and submit myself to assignment-hell in order to work my way through the two assignments that were looming over my head. I have fucking SURPRISED myself, though, as I pulled an all-nighter the day before yesterday, where I stayed awake into the night and didn't sleep until 8:30am. AND I only had two hours sleep before I awoke again, and dragged myself back to my laptop to spend the last couple of hours editing before sending it off. What a relief it was! I know I'm a student and all, but I don't think I'll get used to this sort of thing. The strange thing was, I was so utterly exhausted I was too tired to sleep. Do you know what I mean? I think the tutors are getting incredibly bored twiddling their thumbs locked in at home, because the mark for the assignment I submitted at midday yesterday was released last night. And before you ask, I got 70 FUCKING PERCENT. I honestly, TRULY cannot believe that, because I got myself so so worked up I thought it was going to come back as something dreadful like 30% and I was going to fuck up my entire degree. That sort of dread can really get the anxiety stomach churning. But thankfully the gods were looking down upon me that day!

Anyway, I will leave you all with a virus-related one-liner that made me laugh earlier: Hey baby are you Covid-19? Because I feel you inside me tonight....

🌙🌟

Current Music: Diamonds, The Birthday Massacre. Yes I'm still on that album....

So It's Come to This: The Isolation Adventures, Day Three

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's a shitshow.

The world is in dire straits; there is a very real sense of atmospheric chaos looming over all of us as we speak. Make no mistake, I am fully aware of the severity. The origin of such chaos comes from a virus of which I am sure will be penned into history books in the coming years, under the guise of what has been coined as its' most appropriate title: The Shitshow (Right click > Add to Dictionary). We are living history books, people. I am scared. We are all scared.

Anyway, now that that black cloud has rained all over my journal: I can take comfort in revealing that I am not ACTUALLY here to discuss The Shitshow. No.
I am here to discuss the happy repercussions of The Shitshow. Let's have a little more happiness. OK?
Something interesting is happening within the digital world..... Creators are creating, comedians are comeding, and there is a sense of unity and wholesomeness that is being promoted through various mediums of entertainment. Every day, now, there have been livestreams, broadcasts, and videos uploaded to various platforms so that generic members of the public such as myself can share enjoyment with one another. The internet is brimming with activity, and this brings me immeasurable joy. So, after spending the previous few months under the impression that my thirties will mirror my teenage years (spoiler: I'm pretty fucking sure they will do, although I look older now, I cry) I decided to embark upon the task of writing journal entries as a means for documenting my experience, as I used to keep a daily journal religiously during my late teens. Why the hell not?

I am on day three of isolation. Officially (kindly ignore that I've missed the first couple of days). However it may be said that I actually have been within The Isolation since Monday the 16th, after spending the previous weekend seeing my lovely friends and their adorable, adorable children. That was the last sense of normality that I have had. Our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson (*shudder*) has imposed some very strict but necessary rules in order to beat The Shitshow, which mean, in basic terms, that the entirety of fucking England has been placed upon the naughty step, because we have all been entirely bad, and we must stay indoors and think about what we have done (until this virus passes and normality may resume). My current adventures in isolation involve being marooned in Yorkshire with my Dad, which is relatively peaceful, however I do not have my creature comforts and I am sorely missing them. I'm also about two months away from finishing university and am experiencing the biggest writer's block of my life thus far, so I am writing this in the hopes of jogging my writer's muscle memory and persuading my words to behave and form themselves into cohesive sentences. How am I doing? Honestly, though, I think in some ways it does help me to sit here at my laptop and type freely - when there is more freedom, it is easier for creativity to flow. (Yeah that was cheesy but whatever I DON'T CARE).

So what am I doing with myself during this time? Watching copious amounts of TV, of course. I am pretty sure that Netflix, Amazon Video, and all the other streaming platforms will be reaping the benefits of the increased number of people stuck in their houses, bored out of their little skulls, binge watching the good stuff. Today's shows have been Brooklyn 99 and Father Ted, because I am a strange person and only seem to watch comedies these days. But I just think, whatever is going on around me, it's lovely to have some silly show playing to itself in the background, canned laughter floating through the air and silly jokes piercing into my focus as I work. (And by work I mean procrastinate, obviously. Case in point, by the way - I was just hilariously interrupted by Father Jack yelling "SHUT THE FECK UP!"). I also expect that another hilarious consequence of The Isolation could see a boom in babies born this December...... If that turns out to be true, I am 100% going to laugh. If we make it to December, that is..... (FUCKING OMINOUS)

So I actually ventured out of the house earlier! Oh - That's one thing I forgot to mention. Yes, we are on the naughty step. BUT. We are permitted to leave the house ONCE A DAY in order to go shopping, to fuck - I mean, - err... To exercise.... and other such trivial pursuits. So I went off in order to search for some hairdressing scissors, because I badly badly need to give my hair a trim, but unfortunately I had no joy as apparently hairdressing scissors are elusive and do not exist anywhere in Chapeltown. Thanks, universe! Fucking great!

Anyway. This has been a rather long introduction to the journalling world. But I think this has been a good workout for my mind, and I hope that now I can return to the word document that is waiting for me behind this window, and GET IT DONE. Wish me luck!

Off I go.....

🌙🌟

Current Music: That new TBM album that I'm burning to fuck on repeat over and over, yeah, I have music and the TV on at the same time, fight me, I LIKE COMMAS